vaticanassassin

The show still runs through Dec. 18th. It's free, open to the public, AND open 24 hours. AND it's home to a friggin' Police Station.

C'mon...you can't beat "Free" & "Open 24 hours" & paid security!

Favorable reviews of yours truly!

http://www.nola.com/arts/index.ssf/2009/11/review_all_city_faculties_exhi.html

This was an interview for a documentary that was shot on free comic book day. I know the guy (arvid christina btw) shot a lot more but i don't know if he intends to release more than viral videos of it. I think it captured a lot of good stuff about free comic book day, so enjoy!

Comics on Parade: Free Comic Book Day 2009 from Info Junky on Vimeo.

PS: Yes...i know he spelled my name wrong. I'm used to it. Also, for those who believe my ego is bigger than it really is, i did NOT set the start/stop image of the video to be me.

But i do appreciate it...=)

I was just standing there, enjoying the crowd in the club, not looking for anything but just enjoying the sights and she walked up and grabbed me. If everyone has a twin this was yours.

Hand to God: Tall like you. Facial features like you. Eyes like you. Soft like you. Obsessed with how hot I looked, like you were. Obsessed with how good I smelled, like you always were. Nice rack like yours. Nice ass like yours. She had hair like you did when we met. She had the same sense of humor as yours, so we were laughing a lot. She was obsessed with breakfast at 5am like you were. She has the same night job that you do during the day (or so I hear). She liked a lot of pain like biting, clawing, and hair pulling like you do. She had a definite crazy side as everyone, even her, attested to like you and your friends do. She was even trying to seduce me (note: i'm not so slow that i don't recognize the difference between mere flirting and seduction) even though she a has a boyfriend that I don’t really know well but know well enough to not harbor any ill will to. It was so weird, not just the similarities to the person but the similarities in the situation and the similarity in the time of year (the month of May).

The only difference: I turned her down.

Politely of course, no matter how tempting. But even as I was processing the disturbing similarities between the two of you something inside, although heart strings were tugging greatly, something was forcing my mouth to form the words: “No”.

To be honest I don’t know what to make of the whole thing. Normally I’d say I was reading too much into it so it’s all probably nothing. However there were just way too many similarities. More than I even mentioned already. However part of me thinks that maybe it was to show me that I make better choices now. I mean, back in the day my esteem was so low, my addictions as it were were so bad, that I enabled and encouraged just her/your type of drama and chaos in my life regardless of how obvious it was that that was what I was opening myself up for. My desperation to make square pegs fit into round holes. But this time, like times of recent, I’ve been able to see the train coming before it hit me and get out of its way. So that’s something, right?

Or maybe it’s a subtle reminder of something else: The reminder of regret. That I knew should’ve told you ‘no’ then too.

Then maybe we’d still be friends today like we used to be.

But then, things happen for a reason…

And we don’t always get to see what that reason is…

So instead we superimpose our own reasons over the truth.

This is about Louisiana’s Governor, Bobby Jindal. I call him Bobby Chinballs because clearly he’s deep throating the Republican machine like a good whore would to get any rewards they’ll lay upon him. He knows his place but he knows how to pleasure them to cully their favor.

Personally I’m a lot like the U.S. was before the outset of WWII. Not my problem until directly affected. The rest of the world was scrapping, we were yelling at the kids to quite down, someone threw something at us when our back was turned and the suddenly we were pissed and we were going to finish the argument, who cares how it started.

Governor Chinballs has taken my profession, education, and put it directly in his beady little eyed cross hairs. He’s threatening all that I’ve worked for since 2002. All that I’ve worked for since 2006. He’s threatening the city I call home and have busted ass to help it get up on its feet. He’s raping the state I call home that I’ve tried my hardest to hold my head up in pride when mentioning where I come from in polite conversation and dissuade the laughter I get in response like we’re some bad joke.

Well, he’s gotten my attention, so if it’s blood you want, you got it.

By the way: this has been only part of what I’ve been up to as of late. If fighting for my survival (again) isn’t a good enough excuse from not having been in contact for awhile I apologise and promise to work on a better one next time. Like, ‘sorry, I was getting the best blow job ever and was kind of distracted.”

This info is directly from his blog http://www.bobbyjindal.com/index.php?option=com_myblog

On April 28th, 2009 he blogged:
”LCTCS plays an essential role in educating our students and preparing them to enter the workforce, which in turn helps them find good jobs and provide for their families.

As I said in the Monroe News-Star, "our No. 1 priority has got to be work force development." By continuing to support and strengthen LCTCS and our other institutions of higher education we are providing a strong backbone for the future of our state's workforce.

Last year we took some important steps forward by linking LCTCS with real-time job demands in their area, increasing dual enrollment at LCTCS schools, and revamping the old Louisiana Department of Labor and creaing the Louisiana Workforce Commission. We have also recently begun a dropout prevention pilot program, EMPLoY, in order to help provide GED support and support students who may not otherwise graduate high school. We will continue to support efforts that will strengthen our state's workforce and provide a strong educational foundation for all Louisianians.”

For those that don’t know: LCTCS stands for the Louisiana Community and Technical College System. It’s a VOTEC school. For labor force. Not that there’s anything wrong with labor force mind you. What IS wrong is his turning a blind eye to so-called ‘white collar’ work force. Are they going to stay if the work field isn’t suited to their field of expertise or are they going to leave the state? If they leave the state how will they lure business here if there’s no one of their caliber here to employ to begin with? This is all, of course, assuming they can even find a higher education institute that offers what they want to major in, let alone be able to afford to pay for it unless from a well connected family.

Mark my words: Bobby Chinballs wants to ignify our state workforce down to the grade school level. He wants to make us a labor state. He wants big business here alright. He wants the big businesses that employ only labor. Lower paying salaries. He doesn’t want creative leaders the have an opportunity at an education that he got let alone want them to remain and contribute to the growth of our state. He wants plantation managers for the slaves in the fields.

On April 14th, 2009 he blogged about his five-point plan to make government more efficient. On point four he says:

”Fourth, we will call for fiscal reforms in order to increase accountability and flexibility in our budgetary process so that higher education and health care are not forced to bear the brunt of budget cuts.”

Has he proposed what these ‘reforms’ will be? No. He’ll mention these nebulous reforms at any given chance but he won’t outline what they are. But he’ll certainly tell you about how much budget cuts have to come to education and health care first before these reforms would ever come about to help. In other words: he’s going to cut it all to the bone first so that any future budget cuts won’t hit them so hard. Think about it: when things are cut to the exact bone even he can’t cut them any further and then suddenly he’ll be able to cut from other areas. And believe me: he’ll be the first to trumpet his successful strategy and, coincidentally, it’ll be in the fall of 2010. And remember that he said to the AP, as reported by CNN December 10, 2008:

http://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/2008/12/10/jindal-says-no-to-white-house-run/

”No," Jindal said definitively when asked if he was interested in being president, according to The Associated Press.”

Remember: he also said he was happy being simply a congressman of the 1st District and that he wasn’t interested in running for Governor of Louisiana…

He’s not a dumb man. He’s just a self-serving one. He’s laying the groundwork to run on a deficit-managing politician. He’ll point to his current big feather in his cap, bring LA Medicaid from a $400 million deficit to a $244 profit in three years. He knows that the current presidential administration is wracking up a huge deficit. He’ll point to his ‘success’ at getting LA’s budget deficit back in order in, ‘coincidently’, three years.

…just in time to make a run for the office.

What he won’t tell you is how he achieved such great fiscal feats.

Louisiana was ranked 50th (ie dead last) when it came to healthiest states. In fact, if you look at the study, you will see that Louisiana’s ranking FELL over the years that Jindal was in control. See this quote from the beginning of that article.

A 1999 national report by ReliaStar Financial, formerly Northwestern National Life, shows Louisiana at the bottom of the list of healthiest states. Louisiana’s 50th ranking is similar to its ranking of 48th and 49th the last two years. ”

Since Jindal was in control from 1996 to 1998, after one year of Jindal being in service Louisiana ranked 48th nationwide. After two years of Jindal being in service, Louisiana ranked 49th nationwide, and a year after he left, Louisiana continued to drop to 50th. Doesn’t seem to me that Jindal’s “administrative skills” helped Louisiana’s healthcare problems. (And if you note, this is posted on dhh.louisiana.gov)

A quote from the study:
“A major explanation for Louisiana’s poor health status is the lack of access to routine and preventive health care. In Health Care State Rankings for 1999, Louisiana ranked 50th, worst in the nation in health indicators.”

According to the study, listed on the department of health website:

“Lack of access to appropriate care in their communities is resulting in many ill persons becoming patients at state hospitals. These same individuals could be served better if there were more outpatient primary care facilities available and accessible in their own areas. ”

So in 1999, the suggested solution to fix the problem would be to OPEN outpatient primary care facilities that would be accessable to people. What did Jindal do from 96 to 98? He closed them. Seems that Bobby Jindal was doing the exact opposite of what needed to be done.

To sum up: During Jindals tenure, the state dropped from 48th to 49th and the fall continued to the next year where we hit rock bottom. The suggested solution that was proposed in 1999 was to do the exact opposite of Jindals solution of cutting clinics and services. According to a graph later in the report, Louisiana was first (ie worst) in the nation when it came to lack of access to primary care in 1998 with a whopping 24% of the population lacking said access. And if you look at the last graph on that report, you will see how many areas are underserved when it comes to medical care.

(With much love to Dan Z. http://www.jindalisbad.com/)

But all anyone will see is “$400 million deficit to $244 million profit”. He’s done this to LA healthcare and now he’s turned his eye to education. He campaigned under the banner ‘Believe in Louisiana’. What do you think he really believes in?

He proposed $341 million in higher education cuts this year (2009). He’s proposed another $200 million cuts for 2010 and another $400 million for 2011,

http://209.85.173.132/search?q=cache:LLsjQPhhxf4J:www.lpb.org/programs/LApublicsquare/LPSbackgrounderApr2009legis.pdf+%24341+million+in+higher+education+cuts+this+year+(2009).+He%E2%80%99s+proposed+another+%24200+million+cuts+for+2010+and+another+%24400+million+for+2011&cd=1&hl=en&ct=clnk&gl=us

By the way: he campaigned, and still does when ever he opens his mouth (read his blogs on his 5 point reform plan) that the old ways of LA government are bad and are on the way out.

Yet since taking office last year (2008), Gov. Bobby Jindal has appointed more than 200 of his top contributors to influential boards and commissions, proving that 'ethics' has a limit — and a price.

http://bestofneworleans.com/gyrobase/Content?oid=oid%3A52725

It doesn’t matter if other Governor’s of the past have done the same thing. What matters is that he implied directly and indirectly he wasn’t going to do it. That their ways weren’t his ways.

He says in his 5-point plan that he wants to gear our higher education towards the demand of employers in the school’s particular region. What jobs do you think are going to be in the area? What salary bracket will they be in? And will they retain, or be able to lure for that matter, any real, higher education leaders for particular cities or states.

Oh, by the way? The LA State ‘rainy day fund’ that he says he won’t tap to help stave off the deep cuts to education and health care?

It’s going to fund remodeling the superdome for the New Orleans Saints.

I’ll let you read that again.

”Part of a proposed state deal with the Saints that would tap as much as $85 million in state surplus money to renovate the Superdome and properties nearby could be a tough sell to legislators scraping for every dollar they can find, according to some New Orleans area lawmakers who were briefed on the plan Wednesday.”

http://blog.nola.com/saintsbeat/2009/04/state_surplus_would_help_pay_f.html

Oh, wait, you’re reading ‘proposed’ in there, right? Yeah…not so much as of April 29th 2009.

http://blog.nola.com/saintsbeat/2009/04/deal_between_saints_state_woul.html

”As part of the deal, which officials said could save the state $281 million when compared with the current agreement that pays the Saints $23 million in subsidies, the state would make $85 million in improvements to the Dome, and Saints owner Tom Benson and his family would buy the vacant Dominion Tower and New Orleans Centre and lease office space back to the state.”

Yet we need to lose up to $941 million dollars to higher education over the next three years?

He wants to cut down on government agencies and programs that grew rapidly for a demand during the aftermath of Katrina…so he’s going to create yet another program, the Commission on Streamlining Government, whose mission will be to examine agencies and departments throughout state government to ensure that their roles and missions are still relevant today. How long does their mission last? As long as it takes apparently…

By the way: He requested $98.4 million dollars from the Rainy Day surplus to be used for construction projects at our state's higher education institutions. The same ones he’s now cutting from. Was that money well spent? Our money well spent?

The ‘man’ is a walking contradiction, and it’s all there in black and white and in his own words in most cases. My final question is this:

Why aren’t people more outraged than this? What isn’t the press all over this? Both were all over him when he wouldn’t back down from the proposed legislature pay raise until he did. Why aren’t people rioting in the streets, setting shit on fire and burning effigies of him?

By the way, that last bit was rhetorical questions. I, unfortunately, already know the answers.

But I’ll leave you with this: If I’m going down I’m going down fucking swinging.

Not Playing Nice Now,
~T. -050109

PS: I'm signing copies of Mathilda on "Free Comic Book Day" at BSI in Metairie Sunday, May 2nd, 10am - til. Of course, it's not like i haven't posted the shit out of that already, flyer and all. Not like anyone (except Kurt) has given a shit enough to even offer their congratulations to me on it, let alone support one of my causes for a change. Thank you.

Like the flyer says! I'll be autographing my comics and maybe doing some sketches. Come on down! Say 'hi'! Buy a book or twenty! Don't be creepy!

...and rumors of cake and punch being served are, at this time, only rumors...

Spread the word, or i'ma getcha...

If ya'll think Alan Moore was pissed with how they raped his idea for a movie, he should be glad he got away with only that because, seriously, The Watchmen were probably this close to actually being turned into a cartoon exactly like this.

http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/485797

Haven’t done one of these in a while, and for good reasons in my book, but more on that in a bit.

So what’s been going on lately? Well, I’ll let you decide…

work
Work has been tiring, but since I love my job I don’t notice. Don’t get me wrong: I notice that it’s tiring. A lot of people don’t understand that what I do does put a strain on the mind and bod. It’s not like being a firefighter mind you but I am on my feet a lot, speaking a lot, and have a million fucking things going. This semester is no exception.

Since becoming the dept. coordinator my paperwork output has increased. The system, I’ve learned, is very big on analyzing itself at any given chance. It never lets up. Most of it is surprisingly for good reasons: to improve my program and my instructional skills. However, they fail to realize that I’m a smart monkey and that I know the real reasons for all this assessment (the actual term used): it’s business. They need to see if I’m productive enough to merit keeping. Am I making them money (more students/students staying), is my program successful (more students/steady enrollment/students completing program) and in truth I understand this. I just find it funny that they’re trying to hide it but I can see it. Clearly. So in knowing the system I work the system in my own way. Making sure that I am indeed compliant in what they ask of me, but also using it to improve myself and my program so that I may grow as an individual and keep the job I love so.

The past semester I re-wrote our entire program and upgraded it based off employer needs and demands. This required two classes being dropped, justification as to why they’re being dropped, then courses being added, and justification as to why they’re being added. Then there were courses where pre-requisites were being changed and justification for that. It was a process that lasted 16 weeks. But it went through with mostly flying colors so apparently I’ve earned quite the feather in my hat in my young career here. Enough so that there’s been talk of administrator duties down the long run and less teaching. This actually unnerves me as I prefer to teach more than anything. We’ll just have to see as sooner or later my charm wears off anyone.

With the invention of two new classes, their syllabi had to be written. Since it was my bright idea I had to write them. I also had to write the catalog descriptions and select the textbooks. Harder than it seems, really.

I also had to keep up with the perpetual assessment of our program. It literally is mandated by the State. They LOVE them some numbers to look at and I know why. So, clever monkey that I am, I pad the numbers to reflect what they want to see. Like I told you China: I’m not so much magic wielder as I am a master illusionist. Sometimes I can make people see what they want to see, and most of the time their egos and agendas do all the hard work for me.

But I digress.

It’s a semsterly process. Each and every semester. I have to gather test scores of the classes being observed, I have to gather final grade books, I have to gather project scores, I have to gather rubrics used in determining the scores on projects, I have to gather the instructor’s observations of the class and opinions of where the class needs improvement and how we determined that and how we’re going to improve it as such. Then I plug all that info into a software and it generates numbers. It’s tedious but it keeps the beast’s thirst slaked. Plus it really does have it uses. Come to find out it’s stuff we’ve been doing for years we just didn’t know that other people wanted to know too.

I also took part in a nationally funded program that allowed us to take one class and apply methods based on nationally funded studies on student learning and apply it to a national standard that’s coming down the pike soon. So I picked my class and piloted the program through it. It was difficult at first but it was very enlightening too. They paid me extra for it as well. I also met our campus director, Angela, through this program who’s turned out to be an awesome person in general.

This semester is a grueling one but will be rewarding. During times of recession junior colleges such as mine do booming business. People looking for new avenues of employment or looking to finish degrees they never got due to being unemployed. The sad reality is: the market for what I do down here is small. The good thing is: due to its small nature it has a tendency to sort out the wheat from the chafe. I’ve often wondered if my local market was really big enough to support even ten graduates in a year, so I changed our programs mission to reflect educating students of any particular market and preparing them as such. Another paperwork filled process but worth it if anything to make things more palpatable to the great numbers beast if not simply more efficient which the German in me loves.

Normally I’m only required to teach 2 classes each semester.

This semester I’m teaching 5. In fact, I ran out of teachers this semester. It was insane. Mondays and Wednesdays I’m there from 10 in the morning to 10 at night. On Tuesdays and Thursdays I’m there to 7, but squeeze in the gym so I still don’t get home until 10. Fortunately I have no one to answer to these days, not even a dog, so this schedule is great. Also, I get paid for all this. $3,600 for two of the three extra classes I’m teaching, and another $180 for a third. Factor in another $1300 for the national program and I’ll be making an extra $8600 for my 16 weeks of work. I’ve just completed Week 3 of 16 weeks of this.

I love my job.

One of the classes is a re-write that I just submitted last semester and got approved. So I’m writing the class as we go, setting the standard up for this Fall. I’ll hopefully get to teach it again this Summer to further refine it. My theory was if I change our first intro computer class to teach photoshop I can increase enrollment of students walking off the street who simply just want to know how to use photoshop and nothing else. I’m working off the formula demonstrated by our photography courses. I get students all the time who all they take is the photography courses, nothing else. They don’t even complete the program. Which is fine with me. So it’s my hope I can make lighting strike twice with photoshop and this computer class. All signs and data point to yes.

I’m almost completed the second mac lab as well. This time I’ve submitted four proposals to finish things off, and one of them for the furniture is truly a tough one I’m told. See, they’ll give me 30K for software and licenses but they’ll be stingy with 5K for some friggin’ desks.

Go figure.

So we’ll see. I was recently told that the classroom I’m building here in the past was merely used as a ‘back up’ lab. I’m actually turning it into a functioning classroom so this will apparently be another big feather in our hat. To the German in me it just makes sense: why put all my eggs in one classroom when I can spread them out and have two different classes going on at the same time thus expanding my production and output?

Neat Mr. Wizard.

To me it just makes sense. To others apparently I have a glow that surrounds me when I enter a room and a chorus of children can be heard singing my name.

Who knew?

The students recently learned of my tenacity. That when I set my mind to it I can get what I want sometimes. A year ago I got my ass chewed out for violating paperwork procedure to have property removed that was a hazard. Apparently if you don’t fill out a Work Request Form you’re a bad person. However, I look it at it as: the shortest distance between two points is a straight line. You’re the person that can solve my problem so I go straight to the source. My problem gets solved. However…the great beast demands that its belly be stuffed with forms so for my next request I followed procedure. I put in a request for a window blind to reduce sunlight glare on computer screens and a drain to be unplugged.

I’m still waiting for both.

So now I have a class where the sun shines in and the students have to wear sunglasses, literally, to do work. So being the clever monkey I brought some Owens/Corning bright pink sheets of insulation foam core board.

And I covered the window.

Now the students can see and all is good because someone is going to see this eyesore of bright pink foam core and recognize it as what it is and say “oh my god a window is busted out” and come take a look, where I will then present to them the form I filled out a year ago, following procedure, per their request, that wasn’t completed, and necessitated this action. Either way it’s win/win for me. The problem is now solved OR they can solve it as I intended them too a year ago.

Like I said: sometimes I show sparks of brilliance. I’ll make a good wife some day I’m sure. But when other faculty simply marvel at what I do makes me wonder what in the hell did they have to put up with before I came along?

Recently, however, I had to give the students a wake up call. I don’t often lose my cool. The last time I did was two years ago. I’ve often been told in the past that I’d make a good father. So much so that I’ve had women I knew court serious offers with me about donating my genetic material to such an endeavor. And they say flattery will get you nowhere. Still I’ve begun to feel that simply isn’t in my cards and that in truth my students are the children I’ll never have. It’s really the best of all worlds: I have lots of kids who I can dispense wisdom to but I don’t have to pay anything to them.

Life is good.

Well I recently gave an assignment and when we put the work up on the board to critique I noticed a glaring percentage of them were slacking. I mean totally slacking off. It burnt my ass because they weren’t taking it as seriously as I thought they should. So I lit into them and they didn’t see it coming.

I began everything like normal and let them finish their excuses for things and then had them sit down. I then did a quick class survey.

Who intended to complete the program? All raised their hands. Good.
Who intended to go on to a four-year institution after that? About half raised their hands.
Who intended to go straight into the work force, be it for an agency or for themselves? The other half raised their hands. Good.
How many in the class trusted that I knew what I was doing? All raised their hands. One even shouted out ‘hell yeah’. Good.

With that all said I began to explain to them that their dreams will not be realized if they didn’t start taking themselves and their work more seriously. I began to show them from the projects on the wall how many had their work on loose-leaf paper. How many turned in the projects incomplete. How many turned in very sloppy, almost unrecognizable, work. Work clearly done just before class or in between commercials or on a work break. You want to get into one of the four-year programs? Guess what? Most in our field want to see a portfolio and want a letter of recommendation. You think I’m going to put my name on a piece of official stationary for this quality of work? Fuck no. You think they’re going to look at this quality of work and let you in? Fuck no. Those that think they’re going into the field? You think an art director is going to look at this quality of work and take you seriously? Fuck no. You’ll get fired for not taking it seriously. You think someone is going to meet you for a lunch meeting to go over the concepts for the project they want to pay you for only to see shit scribbled on cocktail napkins? Fuck no. They’re going to think: “shit, if that’s all they put into it what are they going to do with the rest of the project?” The sad fact of the matter is: Boyfriends/Girlfriends come and go. Houses and apartments come and go. Cars come and go. Friends come and go. Jobs come and go. Even husbands/wives come and go. You are a universal constant in your life. If you don’t take yourself seriously no one else will. If you want to be taken seriously take each and every project you do seriously. If you don’t have passion for what you do you’re just a fucking hack and you’re wasting your own valuable time in doing so when you could be finding something you are passionate about doing. And if it’s your portfolio that secures you a job, if it’s your resume that secures you a job and it looks like total shit because you didn’t take it seriously like the career-mattering thing that it is, well guess who’s to blame when people look at it and don’t hire you?

So I made ‘em do the project again. In 30 minutes. We put it up on the wall. The critique went better. I guess they just needed the wake up slap. I dunno. Most came to me later sporadically during the week thanking me for reaming them out, saying I inspired them. I gave them all the same answer: thank me by showing me how inspiring it was, not just telling me.

I take no pleasure in losing my cool like that. Really I don’t. But I guess my brother was right: sometimes somebody’s got to volunteer to be the asshole of the group. And I wasn’t hired because I know how to use the tools and to show them how to use the tools. I was hired to prepare them for a career. For life in the outside world. That requires more than just the skills. That requires a work ethic. That requires a degree of self-respect. That requires a modicum of professionalism.

health
Things have been going well for the work out regimen. I’ve joined a gym to get in further cardio that the kettlebells can’t afford to me. I’ve also added some limited free weight stuff that I can’t seem to master with the kettlebell usage. I love it and feel good and have been seeing some good results from this new regimen. However…to show you how my life takes unsuspecting twists and turns, and just how fucking clueless I am sometimes, dare I say ‘naïve’, let me tell you about my gym.

The gym I found through a colleague I work with. After a meeting he complimented me on my physique and asked what my gym regimen was. After talking and trading notes of such he told me of a gym that was nearby that was within my budget range price-wise and had all the amenities I was looking for and then some. It had a steam room. It had a huge whirlpool. Showers and all the free weights and exercise bikes I could stand. Locker rentals. I could pay month to month even so for busy months I could skip so I wouldn’t be paying for a membership that I wasn’t using. I went down, checked out the place, approved of all the facilities and signed up January 1st. They are even open twenty-four hours with employees on hand, none of that turn key shit. This has worked out incredibly well with my current work schedule. I’ve begun doing interval training of 30 minutes. Meaning I sit my ass on a stationary bike, bike normally for five minutes, and as fast I can for one minute. In thirty minutes I go 10 miles and burn over 200 calories. I’ve eliminated sodas from my diet, one can be almost 270 calories, and pretty much beer too as I’ve really just grown disgusted with what too much of that stuff does to me mentally rather than physically.

Now a quick note: before anyone fucking panics I know I’m not fat. I have no real esteem issues. No more physical perspectives of my outward appearance flaws than anyone. I do this because I love how I feel afterwards. I do this because I enjoy doing it. So give me a rest on the preaching to me. I’ve got someone who does physical competition professionally who has told me I’m on a realistic and practical regimen. A doctor has given his blessings of it. As far as I’m concerned, that’s it I’m golden.

But back to my gym…

Well the first few times were grand. Most that acknowledge you are cordial. Most just mind their own business and let me do my thing. Not an over abundance of muscle heads either. Just a lot of people, most around my age, just trying to do the same thing I’m doing pretty much.

After about a week of working out there, even though at night, I noticed that there were no women at all. None. I began to notice more that not only was it all guys but that they were walking around in towels mostly, except the gym area where it was your basic gym attire. So one day while checking in I asked the guy what was up with that. He looked confused as to why I was asking but I assured him I was serious. He than let burst a good laugh.

“Baby, this is a gay men’s club. The upper floors of this building are rooms and play rooms and such. Nothing goes on in the gym, steam room, or sauna for health board reasons. Everything past the first floor is where the fun is.” When he noticed I wasn’t laughing he added: “You didn’t know??”

Uhm, no, I didn’t. But it all makes sense now. Even the colleague who recommended it to me is openly gay. It made sense.

The man, I guess sensing my confusion became concerned.

“That doesn’t bother you does it? Because we can cancel the membership if it does.”

Actually, it didn’t bother me at all. What bothered me more than anything was how absolutely clueless and naïve I am sometimes.

No one’s hit on me. All conversation has been small talk and topical. Most times I simply have my iPod on and just doing my thing. Hit the steam room, shower, whirlpool for my lower back, then dress and go home. Just like any other gym really. I’ve never really encountered anyone else outside of a towel. Most times I’m in any area I’m by myself.

But the thing is: I don’t care. Like I said, nothing’s really happened and even if it did it doesn’t matter to me. It doesn’t affect my routine. I grew up with a gay uncle. He was amazing. As a kid I didn’t understand what the word ‘gay’ meant in context. As a young adult when I learned, all I could think of was the uncle who was always the cool uncle. I guess I’m comfortable in my sexuality because of that, but really I don’t care what others do. Love is love. Sex is sex. I just want to get my work out in, relax afterwards, head home, eat, and hit the bed.

Really, my life is becoming too short to sweat the stupid stuff.

But I though this turn of events was funny and pretty much the story of my life.

friends and family
Most of this is in the good area. I’ve lost some to other cities. I’ve gained new ones in my own backyard.

My mom’s health continues to worry me. She’s getting up in age and still busting her hump. I really think she has bone rubbing bone in her knees but I’m no doctor. Still, I’m trying my best to be prepared for the inevitable but how much can one be really prepared? When it does come down to me against the world?

So I’m simply trying my best and trying to enjoy every moment I can with her and my family for that matter.

My good friend Jack got introduced hard to New Orleans. I’ve learned something about my city through him. It’s kind of like a small child. If it loves you it makes sure you prosper and you have no doubt about its feelings for you. However if it doesn’t like you it keeps giving you subtle hints that your fortunes in what you seek them in lie elsewhere. I guess really all cities are like that. They call them ‘markets’ in a generalization term. And it’s nothing personal in the sense that where he sought his fortunes our city is NOT a good fit for. It never will be. Which is a shame as it should be; we’re a city of sin too mind you. And he’s good at what he does. Dare I say he enjoys his job like I enjoy mine. Regardless it will be sad to see him go, especially during Mardi Gras. But like another friend of mine that moved to Atlanta WAY before the storm hit here…prospered too. He’ll never move back. And that’s fine with me really. I’d rather see my friends healthy and happy elsewhere than here and miserable. I’ve lost girlfriends the same way but to me love is like that. I’d rather open the cage door and let them be free to find their own happiness than try to sell them on the merits and passion I feel for my city and they’re just not buying it.

So my best to him. He’s going to do well I think, statistically speaking. But like all the friends and girlfriends that have been in my life to venture out past the city limits to find their own way in life my message remains the same: More than just the best for you in a job. The best for you in your life. That you find the groove you’re looking for but to be aware of one thing: a city is not the sole reason one is unhappy. No matter where you go: there you are. Think about it.

Now I have to figure out where to place a horned German WWII style infantry helmet in a place of honor that it so rightfully deserves…

mardi gras
It’s coming up fast on me this year for being so late in the month, but I’m ready as I’ll ever be. This year I got inspired by a friend. Initially I wasn’t going to costume. I was simply going to be me like I was the year before. I simply had lost my love of the costume. I was comfortable with this. However, and I don’t know how else to explain it, but a new friend of mine simply inspired me and suddenly I was filled with the burning need to costume this year. It was back. It felt…fun again. Not a burden as it had felt in the past. Not cumbersome even though the costumes were anything but. No, I’m quite proud of my costume this year. I’m supposed to go to the ultra Mardi Gras experience, the MOMs Ball, and will even have a different costume for that. The costumes this year have even inspired me for NEXT year’s costume following along a theme.

I’m excited. I haven’t been excited about Mardi Gras in over two years. REALLY excited. Like a kid on Christmas Eve excited. I’m basking in it. To be honest I want to say it’s because for the first time I’m not relating my enjoyment directly to someone else’s enjoyment. I’m single this year so I don’t have to worry about a girlfriend enjoying themselves. I don’t have anyone visiting so I don’t have to worry about their levels of enjoyment either. Granted I shouldn’t in the first place, but then that’s just how I am. Like a kid I like to show off something that brings me so much pleasure thinking it will do the same for someone else. Of course it rarely ever does.

So this year it’s all going to be, well, me. No drama going on with women in my life. No friends going through a crisis (although I’ve observed that each Mardi Gras some one takes it over as “the year that ________ did _______”. And even this I’m excited to see whose year it’ll be to remember.

So come one come all, just leave the ass clowns behind. For those that will be there in spirit know that during the benediction a toast will be held aloft for you.

Mathilda
Yes, I know…I haven’t done any work on this in a year. I suck.

However…such is life.

The reality is, to paraphrase Robert Tritthardt of Writhe and Shine, if you want to see more than pay me more so I don’t have to work the day job so much. That’s not mercenary that’s reality.

It’s not to say that I don’t enjoy what I do, it’s that daddy’s got to work to pay his real bills and the real job has been pretty demanding. Not to mention, although I’m flattered by how many lay praise to my work on the book, the reality (there’s that word again) of actual support I get from it is…stunning. In 2008 I sold 41 copies of Book 4. Of those I credit 12 to just because John inked the book and another 10 from a local comic shop that although I appreciate their optimism I doubt if they went through them all. That leaves me with 19 pure sales of the book.

So in black and white terms this means I have outside my own family and friends and mom who hangs them on the fridge I have, what, nineteen fans?

Wow. My world domination plans are less than impressive. It would be laughable if it weren’t so sad and that’s a reality.

No matter.

I admit I got swept up in the hype and the joys of learning about business and lost my way of the true reason for doing Mathilda: the pure love it and come what may from it.

So I sat down, decided what I wanted from her and what she wanted from me. We came to the same conclusions.

She wants to tell her story and tell it through me.
I want to tell it and have been sidetracked.

So I’ve got some plans to take her in a new direction. A direction that will give her what she wants in the schedule I can provide. A direction that will take the emphasis away from business and put it back to telling her story and come from that what may.

I think I’ve finally got this one.

love and philosophy
Ok, I’ve been practicing The Third Precept for about eight months now. Some success here. Some failure there. The success part has been I’ve been celibate for almost eight months now. I’ve seen the benefits of learning about a person first but I’ve also seen my weakness for companionship causing difficulties in my focus and my patience. Most of the time I’m able to regroup and learn the lessons I’m being really shown. Some I’m still trying to figure out what the fuck that was about. I’m appreciative of the shots of motivation I’ve been given. The small, brief reminders that I’m on the right path and to simply be patient. However, I feel I’ve failed some of my little test completely and utterly. At least they haven’t been disastrous. But they have been poignant reminders of keeping the focus, remaining patient, where I’m weak at, and where I’m strong.

There have been several incidents of late that have made me wonder wtf and I’m still trying to discern the message from them. I could be over thinking things. I often do that.

But in the end, I’m still saying aloud What The Fuck…thanks a lot ‘Life’…

blogging and social websites
Suffice to say I’ve been thinking about this one for a little while now. I think I’m done with them for the most part. I see them for their purpose and kind of sort them and use them for that alone. I’ve met some cool people through them, kept track of the going ons of my friends but in the end I see them as too self-serving and not enough real ‘networking’. Not enough real correspondence and communication. Some want you to help their cause but then don’t return the favor. Some ask about your wellbeing but then don’t correspond any further. Some never reply. Some request adds with no introductions and then nothing further. I think I’m beginning to see why some ‘re-build’ everything on their page from the ground up. I’d like to think I might be in need of such an over haul myself, but I’m so indifferent to the overall concept that, seriously, it’s just not worth even that effort.

As for blogging I initially approached this as a method of conversation. I like talking to my friends and encouraging discourse. Like talking over beers and what not. However, of late, I’m noticing that less and less are sharing in such, even privately e-mails from those that just don’t want to post a public reply for whatever silly reason. So even my hopes of e-mail correspondence (read: letter writing) is for naught. I’m not much for talking when no one’s listening and intend to simply return to correspondence the way it was before: e-mailing with those that have interest in such.

Like-minded people.

For those that I simply just don’t talk to? Especially the ones that I can say I’ve never even met face-to-face? Those just might have to go bye-bye too.

For those that I hear from sparingly? Especially those that I respond to their inquiries but they never respond to mine? No biggie. I attribute this more to my own sense of self and where I am in my outlooks on particular people and how it relates to my own life. Or more simply put: it is what it is. I still hate that phrase.

As for blogging, well, I might write the occasional one I’m sure. One that focuses on something simple or one like this one is, instead of the in-depth opinions and inner workings of my feelings, adventures, thoughts, beliefs, and opinions like those I’ve written in the past.

Call it just that feeling of ‘we’re done here’ that fills my belly these days.

Play Nice Now…
~T. 020809

I’ve been sitting this one for a bit. Mainly cuz I think I’m about done with blogging in general. Of course that’s a whole other subject for another time.

This is a simple one. No philosophy. No love. No advice. Just a two hour road trip to no place anyone would find of interest except me.

Back in about 1997 my dad took me on a road trip to his hometown of Richton, MS. It’s actually considered part of Hattiesburg and lies just outside of it. Still, we were going there because his father’s grave had collapsed and he and his only living brother were going to go repair it. With my driving and my mom’s baby brother on board we were set. I remember the drive because it was the first time my uncle and my dad had been back to his hometown since he was a much younger man. I remember playing Johnny Cash’s first Rick Rubin album and they loved it. My dad used to play Johnny Cash, Ray Charles, and Alice Cooper when I was a kid so it was kind of cool to play for him the new ‘hip’ stuff. To him, Cash never stopped being ‘hip’ so I think he found it to be a feather in his hat. I remember him telling me ‘what’s the big deal? You’ve always listened to Johnny since you were old enough to work the needle on the phonograph.’ After visiting with his mom a bit we made our way to the graveyard.

Arriving at the graveyard wasn’t all that spectacular. I mean, you’ve seen one you’ve seen ‘em all, right? Well imagine walking into one and your last name is on EVERY tombstone. Creepy. I asked my dad what that was all about and he explained to me that back in the day his family used to own the town. Literally. Irish settlers. Passed on from generation to generation. As the story goes one set of boys in particular were nothing but trouble. In fact the father would sell off bits and bits of the town to keep them out of jail. The backwoods Kennedys. Well it seems that one of them got into a little trouble involving an underage girl.

“No way they bought themselves out of that.” I remarked.

“Oh no,” my dad remarked as he and his brother filled dirt into the unmarked grave “he bought his way out of jail.”

Sensing my shock or perhaps he just heard my mouth hit the ground, he continued.

“Back in those days your own family handled those types of problems themselves.”

“Meaning what? They shipped him off somewhere?” I asked.

“No,” my dad replied as he shoveled “He went out hunting with his dad and there was an accident. Like I said, back then your family handled those types of problems on their own.”

Yeah…fucked up.

After we finished repairing the grave my dad decided to drive around the town for one last look at things. To make note of his memories and compare them to what existed presently. Thing is: even though the town is one main drag strip and not much else it was like being in a time warp. Nothing looked like it had changed.

So I decided to go back but this time with a camera because back then we didn’t have cameras on our phones and such shit. And here it is ten years plus since I’ve been there…and nothing has changed still. It was very cool in a way. No place I’d want to live for certain but it was kind of cool none-the-less. I learned while there that the population is just a little over 1,000 people and only a stone’s throw from Alabama really. The town is also over a 100 years old and proudly proclaims themselves to be ‘home of the Rebels’. I couldn’t find the graveyard but I’m thinking of making another trip back there to find it. In fact I’m certain of it since when I got there it was shitty cold rain.

So I found my roots to be strangely beautiful. Maybe you will too.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/99793289@N00/

And that’s about it I think…

Play Nice Now
T~ 011109

1.How many relat​ionsh​ips were you in?
two if you can call them that. one was for three months before i realized the depths of her insanity and the other i was merely a stunt cock...again...

2.What did you do for Valen​tine'​​s day?
in the process of being apologized to...and then within six hours i was being screamed at again...then there was the blog fiascos...

3.Did you move out on your own?
no, i think i'm here to stay...

4.Did you get arres​ted?​​
no, i think we're done with those types of shenanigans in my life...

5.Did you get a speed​ing ticke​t?​​
no, but i did get an improper use of vehicle ticket...

6.What was the best thing​ you got for Chris​tmas?​​
my life...hey, you can call it corny but to me it tops all material gifts...

7.Did you becom​e an aunt or an uncle​?​
that boat has pretty much sailed a long time ago too...

8.Did you have a baby?​​
i am the baby...

9.Did you get engag​ed?​​
no but i lose track of how many told me they would marry me in a heartbeat...all full of shit, sad to say. Though i'm sure i'd make some woman a good wife someday...

10.Did you get marri​ed?​​
no...and i should know, i check that section of the paper every day to see if i did something stupid the night before. i also check the obits to see if i died the night before too...

11.Did someo​ne close​ to you die?
And i miss her every day...

12.How many funeral​s did you go to?
one...a jazz funeral at that...the circle of life is now beginning to slowly constrict...

13.How many weddi​ngs?​​
An evening of wedding vow renewals that started off great and then ended disastrously harmful to me...

14.How old were you in 2008?
i turned 41...

15.Did you have a car accid​ent?​​
no, just the ticket...

16.Did you vote in the election?​​
i always perform my civic duty...

17.How many jobs did you have throu​ghout​ the year?​​
i had the regular day gig teaching...did the freelance thing for Blowfly...

18.Did you get a new pet?
we're going to wait a bit before we do that one...

19.Did you get cheat​ed on?
no, i purposely involved myself with people in non-committed relationships to avoid the disaster that was my 2007 dating life...and even that turned out to be cluster fucks...

20.Did you cheat​ on someo​ne?​​
see above...

21.Did you make any new frien​ds?​​
actually yes. i just recently became friends with Dawn who's awesome...

22.Did you get a new car?
that Challenger is looking reeeeeal sweet on a daily basis...

23.Did you drast​icall​y chang​e your hairs​tyle?​​
yes, i cut it to above my shoulders for Locks of Love in May...

24.Did you go out of the count​ry?​​
had planned to in the Summer but health issues arose for me and my dog, so we had to spend the money on that...

25.Did you keep your last New Year'​​s resol​ution​?​​
i don't make NYE resolutions. I make my resolutions on my birthday...and my resolution was to stop interacting with people that hurt me unapologetically...

26.What was the best movie​ you saw in theat​ers?​​
There were quite a few...but i'd have to say Igor on my birthday...

27.What was your great​est accom​plish​ment?
The Third Precept of Buddha...and putting my birthday vows into affect...

28.What was the best cd relea​sed this year?​​
i was disappointed by this year's crop actually...

29.Did you get a new tatto​o?​​
i got mine finished two days before christmas actually...cast the activation spell on christmas eve...

30.A new pierc​ing?​​
we might be done with these i think...

31.Are you still​ datin​g the same perso​n you dated​ at the start​ of the year?​​
Good God no!

32.Do you expec​t to be with the same perso​n at the end of the year?​​
it is my sincere hope that she gets the counseling and deeper therapy that she needs...she's a good person, she's just a little too abusive for my tastes...

33.Are you start​ing the year off singl​e?​​
yup...but i'm always accepting applications and screening applicants. i think by law i have to...

34.What do you most want to happe​n this year?​​
no surgeries...

35.What are you most excit​ed about​ this year?​​
to see what happens...

Ok, put your bias opinions aside for a minute and think about it. Is Mathilda really that good?

Welcome to my world. I ask myself that question every time I look at my art table. Every time I pick up a pencil. Every time I walk into that comic book classroom. Every time I go to a show.

I’ve drawn her eleventy billion ways. I’ve written a movie script. I do it because I love to do it. But I hear what a lot of people tell me about her and really, I ask myself, hardly anyone reads it now so really, is it that good or is it that I get a first place medal because everyone gets a first place medal for trying in today’s world?

I was just re-reading the movie script and was marveling at it. Admiring it. Thinking to myself “no, really, I’d love this as a movie.”

And then I read articles like this and wonder: Is it really that good?

Because I could just as easily wind up like this guy…

Animated 'Delgo' Has Worst Wide Release Opening Ever
by Jonathan Crow   
December 15, 2008

Don't feel too left out if you missed seeing the animated adventure movie "Delgo" this past weekend. No one did. In fact, the movie broke a record for having the worst opening ever for a film in wide release. "Delgo" earned a measly $511,920 this weekend on 2,160 screens, not even breaking the top ten. That's an average of $237 per screen for the three days. If you figure there were five screenings a day, and assume ticket prices are about $8, that comes out to two people in the theater per showing. By comparison, the Golden Globe-nominated drama "Doubt" earned roughly the same amount of money, but it was only in 15 theaters.

This is all too bad because the story of the making of "Delgo" has the makings of a great Hollywood underdog story. 36-year-old entrepreneur Marc Adler decided he wanted to direct and produce a $40 million computer animated kids' flick completely independent of Tinseltown behemoths like Disney and Dreamworks.

Starting in 2001, Adler and his small Atlanta-based animation company Fathom Studios toiled for years on a tight budget. They lined up an impressive, if eclectic, cast of voice actors including Freddie Prinze Jr., Jennifer Love Hewitt, Val Kilmer, Malcolm McDowell, Kelly Ripa, and Anne Bancroft in her final role (she died in 2005). And when Adler couldn't get a Hollywood studio interested in his movie, he raised eyebrows by releasing it himself through distributor-for-hire Freestyle Releasing. It was a huge risk; one that ultimately didn't pay off. There wasn't the sort of marketing budget needed to make a film stand out in the already crowded holiday movie season.

Another problem was the quality of the movie. Or lack thereof. The story -- star-crossed lovers squaring off against an evil queen on a fanciful world divided between a reptilian people who can move rocks with their minds and a sprite-like folk who like dragons -- borrows liberally from "Star Wars," "The Lord of the Rings" and "The Dark Crystal," just without the charm and intelligence. The script required the efforts of six, count 'em, six screenwriters, including Adler. The critics trashed it, giving it a dreadful D average on Yahoo!, which proved to be lethal.

"Delgo" is not the only major wide release bomb of the year. Three of the ten worst openings for films in over 2000 locations came out this year. The raunchy teen sex comedy "College" and the thriller "Deception," starring Hugh Jackson and Ewan MacGregor, both tanked, garnering the sixth and ninth worst openings ever respectively. In both of those cases, the studios dumped the movies with little fanfare rather than spend millions on marketing a stinker.

Here is Box Office Mojo's list of the ten biggest wide release bombs:

1 Delgo
Opening Weekend Total: $511,920
2 P2
Opening Weekend Total: $2,083,398
3 Major League: Back to the Minors
Opening Weekend Total: $2,087,011
4 The Real Cancun
Opening Weekend Total: $2,108,796
5 Spider-Man / Men in Black II
Opening Weekend Total: $2,111,862
6 College
Opening Weekend Total: $2,153,109
7 The Adventures of Pluto Nash
Opening Weekend Total: $2,182,900
8 All Dogs Go to Heaven 2
Opening Weekend Total: $2,256,118
9 Deception (2008)
Opening Weekend Total: $2,312,146
10 I Dreamed of Africa
Opening Weekend Total: $2,411,445
11 Teacher's Pet
Opening Weekend Total: $2,461,252
12 Grind
Opening Weekend Total: $2,511,403
13 The Rocker
Opening Weekend Total: $2,636,048
14 Lucky You
Opening Weekend Total: $2,710,445
15 From Justin to Kelly
Opening Weekend Total: $2,715,848
16 The Last Legion
Opening Weekend Total: $2,746,312
17 Thunderbirds
Opening Weekend Total: $2,766,810
18 Alone in the
Opening Weekend Total: $2,834,421
19 Most Wanted
Opening Weekend Total: $2,836,490
20 Almost Heroes
Opening Weekend Total: $2,837,928
21 What Planet Are You From
Opening Weekend Total: $3,008,746
22 Grandma's
Opening Weekend Total: $3,009,341
23 Lost and Found (1999
Opening Weekend Total: $3,024,709
24 Town &
Opening Weekend Total: $3,029,858
25 Tall
Opening Weekend Total: $3,046,181
26 City of Ember
Opening Weekend Total: $3,129,473
27 Trapped
Opening Weekend Total: $3,210,765
28 Warriors of Virtue
Opening Weekend Total: $3,277,084
29 Turbo: A Power Rangers Movie
Opening Weekend Total: $3,301,135
30 The Big Bounce
Opening Weekend Total: $3,336,374
31 Hoot
Opening Weekend Total: $3,368,197
32 Martian Child
Opening Weekend Total: $3,376,669
33 Daddy Day Camp
Opening Weekend Total: $3,402,678
34 Kull the Conqueror
Opening Weekend Total: $3,450,145
35 Rumor Has It
Opening Weekend Total: $3,473,155
36 Wrongfully Accused
Opening Weekend Total: $3,504,630
37 Buddy
Opening Weekend Total: $3,504,671
38 Joe Somebody
Opening Weekend Total: $3,553,725
39 3 Ninjas Kick Back
Opening Weekend Total: $3,556,310
40 The Powerpuff Girls Movie
Opening Weekend Total: $3,583,114
41 Doogal
Opening Weekend Total: $3,605,899
42 Sex Drive
Opening Weekend Total: $3,607,164
43 A Good Year
Opening Weekend Total: $3,721,526
44 The Seeker: The Dark Is Rising
Opening Weekend Total: $3,745,315
45 Gigli
Opening Weekend Total: $3,753,518
46 Larger Than Life
Opening Weekend Total: $3,779,504
47 John Carpenter's Ghosts of Mars
Opening Weekend Total: $3,804,452
48 The Condemned
Opening Weekend Total: $3,807,595
49 Firehouse Dog
Opening Weekend Total: $3,838,916
50 Firestorm
Opening Weekend Total: $3,849,308

Of course, the good news is: this is only ‘opening weekend totals’. Some of these went on to be, well, hits. Some merely built upon an already hugely established empires. Of course most continued to be, well, bombs.

Ah…the fickle public.

Play Nice Now…
~T. 121208

and whereas normally i'd be outside like an idiot playing in it i'm quite concerned. Not for my mom's safety as she drives into work (yes i'm concerned but not my point). Not for my own safety as i'm not too far behind her (actually work got canceled as i posted this, not that i would've been concerned for my safety anyways).

I'm concerned for the safety of my city.

Last time it snowed in New Orleans: Christmas Day, 2004.

8 months and four days later Katrina made landfall over New Orleans.

I'm not normally the superstitious type...i'm just saying that i hope and pray that a "once in a lifetime meteorological event" must not be balanced with another.

Again.

EDIT: I haven't been able to find any scientific evidence that correlates what i fear. I'm sure if it existed someone wearing a tin foil hat would've been shouting about it by now. It doesn't mean i'm going to be any less suspect though.

But i did find this. Required reading for anyone who claims to live and love New Orleans.
http://www.hurricanecity.com/city/neworleans.htm

My car outside my house @ 8am this morning




My car after i posted, around 10-ish. I drew his features with a Sharpie. I call it "Snow Golem-in Snack Size". The work will be on display until the sun melts him or I move my car. Admission is free.

Go brew your coco or tea now. Go take your piss immediately. It’s a long one and it should hold you well until the next one comes along.

Or simply sigh and go onto something else.

In the spirit at least of being thankful I’m going to take a different perspective. Most if not all of my loved ones know that I am deeply thankful for them being a part of my life.

No problems.

However, here, I’m going to be thankful for something entirely different. I’m thankful for the new found perspective upon my life brought upon in a large part by the Third Precept.

Initially, I admit, I was…limited in how I viewed its potential impact upon my life. Those ‘in the know’ as it were said nothing as a lot of the purpose is for one to find their own way and their own meanings, which I have. With amazing clarity.

You see, initially, I thought it was merely a method of sorting out women. Granted it was geared towards learning about not abusing one’s sexuality for selfish gains and recognizing those that do so that, well, I could avoid them. And in that regards it has worked amazingly well. If anything I’m finally able to do as I’ve always accused others of needing to do: shop smarter. Nothing like practicing what I preach, you know?

However…

I was advised that once I began practicing the Third Precept that certain changes in energy would occur. Those that are ‘bad’ for me and already in my life would soon drop off the radar because I would no longer be providing that which they got from me to begin with. Much like addicts and with that analogy in mind, they will drop off the radar and make room for those who are mutually beneficial to me (and each other).

Simple right?

And boy were they right about that! In the first month alone many who I would’ve gone to court swearing I knew them turned out I didn’t know the real them. However, what I would also discover is that this new practice would also do wonders for my esteem. What’s more: it would also reveal to me those that were good for me and those that would simply be sucking my energy or taking advantage of my good nature.

And that it would be both males and females.

Neat Mr. Wizard.

It’s all about seeing the ego smoke being blown up my ass. About recognizing poisonous people before they get attached to me and begin sucking my energy from me and making me sick too from their poison. It’s about no longer being king of the short bus and instead of merely wanting more and better for myself actually doing something to achieve that.


Let me share with you what I’ve learned and tell you how it works:

I.
Am.
Done.
With.
The.
Bullshit.

And really? There’s no malice in this. Seriously. Honestly. As calm as reading a Chinese take out menu.

Throughout this process I’ve discovered (some might say ‘enlightened’) all sorts of ‘types’ that are in my life right now that really shouldn’t be. In fact, I’m betting if you took the time to look under a few rocks you’d find similar, if not the same, types. What works for you is what works for you. However none of these works for me and thus a culling process was started. But more on that in a bit. Right now let me share with you what I’ve learned. Yes, while most are either working or working on killing brain cells for their Friday evenings I’ve been sitting at home reading, writing, meditating…and learning. All for the purpose of bettering myself and all so that I can begin pulling the poisonous weeds from my soul.

IF you have a boyfriend and I don’t care what it is that you feel you’re not getting from him that you need…I am NOT your surrogate. I’m not your security blanket. I’m not the guy you can press the buttons on so you can get whatever you’re missing from your relationship just so you can go back to this same asshole and leave my ass holding the bag and mouthing “WTF”. You have problems with him? Talk to him. In fact, if you’re frustrated with a lot of your choices in losers then my advice would be to shop smarter. Your actions have made it clear who you prefer and the type you prefer and if I’m the one that keeps getting left holding the bag, then your actions have made it clear that I’m not what you want. And that’s fine. Just don’t fucking press the buttons to make me think I am so you can get what you want when you know you should be getting it from him and if you’re not, well, it’s not my fault you’re too scared to be alone that you won’t break up with someone that’s clearly not doing it for you. And quite frankly there’s being a friend and listening to you bitch and then there’s just being used and the frustration of listening to someone bitch about something that they never seem to fix no matter who gives them the same advice they’ve heard before. Oh, and typically the story we’re getting is never 100% accurate. Painted just well enough to make you look good to gain sympathy each and every time. I’m not saying all of it’s untrue. I’m just saying it’s only half the story…

IF you are married, see the previous listing. What’s more: I’m not the other man. I’m not a home wrecker. I want more than this from my life. I want more than to be the other man. And you see, I know the feeling a seeing a loved one’s face when they’ve learned you’ve cheated on them. If you look into their pupils, they get wide enough for you to see their heart breaking into a million pieces. And a little of me died inside when I saw that happen. Never again, I said. I know how it felt to do it. I know how it feels when it’s done to me. I won’t be part of the cycle. What’s more: the ‘other’ person ALWAYS loses. ALWAYS. No thank you. I don’t like to lose. I don’t like to be second place. I don’t like to be used.

Oh, and ask yourself: if you’re willing to do this to your spouse (or significant other if you’re not married) what makes you think I believe you’d never do the same thing to me?

Just throwing that out there…

The truth is: there’s something missing in your marriage that you feel you need and it isn’t being supplied. So that means…you need to take it up with him, not me, and you need to do it before you do something stupid. Oh, and you can try to disguise it with whatever term you like:
• You have an ‘open’ relationship
• You’re separated
• You’re on ‘break’
• You’re swingers (often incorrectly defined)
• You have an ‘understanding’
• You’re ‘going through a rough patch’
• You’re ‘married in name only’
• You’re ‘only together because of the kids’
• ‘It’s just until the divorce is final’
• ‘No, really, he supports me in this’
• ‘It’s complex.’

I don’t give a rat’s ass (can you tell I’ve heard ‘em all?) it boils down to this: you still have that ring on your finger, you’re still with him, and therefore you are off limits to me. And you can say you’re just flirting, but you know what? That’s disrespectful to him and me and totally inappropriate. Call me old fashioned I guess. You’re unhappy with your hubby, I don’t care what the real reason is, you don’t use me to make your life marginally bearable in some sort of pseudo-fantasy escapism. Take things up with him, your priest, your in-laws, your shrink, your doctor, your marriage counselor, yourself, and your vibrator and/or dildo of choice.

Oh, and typically the story we’re getting is never 100% accurate. Painted just well enough so you can get what you want from me or whomever each and every time. I’m not saying all of it’s untrue. I’m just saying it’s only half the story…

IF you’re not serious, you’re just looking to get laid, looking for a new flavor to last however long your new flavors last for you until you find the next piece of ass, keep walking. Now, I understand there are those that just don’t settle down. It’s not their thing. That’s cool. Just respect that it’s not my thing so really, should we get involved what do you think will happen? That’s right: absolutely nothing good so let’s not waste each other’s time. So should one be that selfish? No. And I, for one, am no longer doing this. It’s not what I want and I’m done being used for the expense of other’s selfish desires. I have more substance and self-respect than this and seek more than you will ever be able to give to any other human being in the rest of your miserable, lonely, and self-pity filled existence. Not to sound all high and mighty, but really, when you grow up (and not meant as an age thing as much as a maturity thing) and it gets harder for you to land your fix and you find that your soul is hollow and unable to feel much of anything anymore here’s a hint: that is NOT the time to get melancholy about an ex and wondering what they’ve been up to. Please back away from the Google window.

IF you’re on the fence about me, I don’t care what the reason(s) are. What I do care about is for you to just keep your fear and yo-yo treatment of me to yourself. Quite frankly I am not going to chase after you. You’re unsure? You’re scared? Welcome to my world. Welcome to the world of everyone’s dating nightmare. Fear is part of it. Closing your eyes, taking a deep breath and hoping, praying, and begging that this one is ‘different from the last one.’ Well guess what? I am not at the whim of your hot and cold running, passive/aggressive bullshit because you’re letting fear and doubt run your life instead of taking a shot at the golden ring. If you’re that scared and unsure then that already tells me you’re not ready and that I should move on. It also tells even a blind person that you’re simply not ready for anything and you should be honest about that to yourself instead of simply saying that you are. Actions vs. words, folks. And I’m sorry; it doesn’t mean you can put me on some kind of fucked up emotional lay-away program until you are ready. Being selfish is not attractive. Oh and for the record: I’m not intimidating. If you think I am then it’s either you didn’t bother to talk to me to find out the real me (in which case: shame on you for judging a book by the cover) or you’re not secure enough in your own esteem to think that there’s nothing you could teach me and show me and help me grow as well as faith in your skills to hold your own with someone you’re highly attracted to. And that’s all you, not me…

IF you’re crushing…keep it under control or just keep it to yourself. This is awesome…if you’re in 5th grade because at that age we’re not looking for such grown up things as, well, commitment. So if you’re crushing but have no real intent of ever closing the deal then please, don’t take the flirting too far. If you have fear of commitment then don’t use ‘crushing’ as your excuse to avoid dealing with your fears of such. Crushing, in my experience, allows you the best of everything except you get to cheat and sidestep the pain of growth and something substantial like, oh I don’t know, a committed relationship. It allows you to duck out like a coward from dealing with, or feeling any, REAL emotions. It also allows you to set things up for me to fail so again, we’re playing a game, your game, at my expense. And I’m done with this concept overall.

No. Nooooooo.
Bad girl.
No Tedd for you.

Because it means you’re setting me up to fail because in your crush fantasies you’ve made me out into something I could never be. When this is realized you leave me holding the proverbial emotional bag and wondering what in the hell did I do wrong. No can do, honey. I’m on to bigger things. I’m on to women who are all growed up and done with games, one of them being this one.

IF You cannot see past one singular thing you seem to be focused on, and not being able to see me for the whole person that I am, then really, how shallow does that make you? I am not a rock star and have never claimed to be one. I look the way I look because I like how it looks on me. No more. No less. I’m a teacher because I love what I do not because I’m trying to peel your panties. I do a comic book because I enjoy it and it’s my hobby. I don’t expect to make millions off of it. I enjoy the dream of that though, and there’s nothing wrong with that dream. I’m a nice guy because I credit my parents for raising me as such. I’m a funny guy because brevity is the soul of wit and really I like to laugh more than I like to cry. I’m not as smart as my words and voice make me out to be, but I’m also not as much the fool as I present myself to be. Simply put: as a woman I’m sure you’ve been in this position before. When the guy you’re just mad about is only mad about one thing about you. Did that make you feel cheap? Did that make you feel disrespected? Did that make you feel like one of many instead of one above the rest? Did that make you feel unappreciated instead of special? How low did your esteem sink? How dirty did you feel? How angry and resentful did you get?

Get my point? If not I’ll spell it out: Guys don’t like it either. Particularly this one.

”Do unto others…”

IF you’re ‘polyamorous’ that’s fantastic. I tried it. I really thought I was cut out for it. Turned out disastrous and I’m still heavily scarred for my effort. Never. Again. Turns out I was so wrong on so many levels and that I was mistakenly believing polyamory was the way for me when, in fact, there were much deeper seeded issues that were my real problem and I was using polyamory to disguise them. So if this is your cup of tea, for me it’s a non-negotiable deal breaker. To me a mature adult can evolve past the maturity levels and dating methods we used in high school. We can evolve and make conscious decisions not to cheat. To resist. To see that something has evolved past mere flirting and potentially risks everything substantial that you’ve built with someone. That the underlying problem with attraction to someone else means that one must first look at, address, and discuss what they feel is missing already with the person they’re coupled with. When someone tells me they’re polyamorous I hear in my wee noggin the words ‘I have commitment issues’ and these words ring loud like the Enterprise’s red alert. There’s even a strobe affect like in the Alien movies. I run. I flee. I get away. If it works for you, God bless you. Maybe I’m old fashioned. Maybe I’m a dreamer. Maybe I’m a romantic. Maybe I’m a dying fucking breed that needs to find a tar pit to fall into already. Maybe my ego is just way too big for its own britches. But just as strongly as you believe polyamory works for you I believe monogamy works for me. I believe in my conscious ability to make adult and mature choices. And I’m also just not playing second chair to anyone. And there’s no amount of validation that can convince me otherwise. It’s the ‘one penis rule’ folks. Call that machismo. Abuse me with neo-feminist terminology of misguided ownership theory. Call it what you will. Point is: you have your way and I have mine and never will the two meet so in context of what works for me I respectfully say ‘best of luck to you’. I’ll respect your belief and lifestyle choice; just don’t try to pull me into its sticky drama-filled web or into a debate about it for that matter. I’ll never understand it and on a psychological level will always question the real motives that lie underneath. Period.

IF you’re an ex and you suddenly find yourself feeling those familiar tugs on your heartstrings…that you find a little echoey voice in your head saying: “wow, he’s changed, and so much better”…”wow, he looks so good these days”…that you find yourself justifying things with the phrase ‘I really miss him’…that somehow, someway you find the ice your heart once felt for me being melted away by a tiny ember glowing within you that you find yourself either looking at my number in your phone’s contact list or looking at my e-mail address I beg of you:

Think long and hard first.

Take a day.
Take two.
A week.
A month.
Whatever.

But think first.

Do you really want to go there? If so, WHY? No, fuck that, I want to know the REAL reason why. What’s more: am I going to go buy it or am I going to call shenanigans on it? I mean, we went out before, I’m sure I probably believed you loved me then, why would I believe whatever you say now in those regards? Why sshould I? And I don’t say this next part from an egotistical sense but seriously I lose fingers when I count how many exes have Googled my name and were amazed at what they found. Suddenly I’m not the same guy they knew. Hell, even I have to admit I’m better and why not? I’ve busted my fucking ass for it. To look better. To feel better. Constantly striving to be the best damn Tedd I can be. Most were surprised to find that the door to my life was indeed left open, just as I said it would be when they left in the first place. The point is: I may be flattered that you’re proud of me. I may be surprised that you’d want to re-enter my life. I may be touched that you see how I’ve changed for the better and I may even smile at your validation of it.

But really? I mean, chances are pretty high that when you had me as your boyfriend you wound up sleeping around on me, didn’t tell me about it so I probably found out in the shittiest way possible, but you were probably treating me like a total doormat by that point anyway so what was a little more insult to injury? No, I’m betting that I believed you then when you said ‘I love you’ and made, God knows, all sorts of little plans of a future with me. And to be honest, if you did all that, and chances are high that you did, then that means you weren’t serious, you abused it when you had it, and you threw it away when you didn’t want it anymore because you wanted someone else.

And I mean, if I believed you before, well…look what that got me. And seriously, if I’m so much better now it could be argued that what’s the one element that’s missing now that was in the equation when we were together?

Think about it.

By the way…are you still with the guy that was clearly worth treating your friend and lover so crappy for? Because you know I’m going to ask and you know it’s not a simple yes or no answer.

Just throwing that out there…

Because sleeping around on me? That’s not respecting me. That’s not how you treat a friend. That’s not how you treat someone you love. That’s not how you treat someone you’re in love with. Not in any aspects of those words.

Just keep in mind the slippery slope you’re about to decide to get on before you ‘go there’. After all…we don’t like to repeat our past mistakes, do we?

And speaking of exes…

IF you’re just genuinely thinking to yourself ‘I love him but I’m not in love with him’ and ‘I miss him’ that you want to be friends again, that’s fantastic. Seriously. Nothing gives me hope for the human race than our ability to forgive, forget, learn and grow.

However…

Get a fucking clue.

You see, the chances are pretty high that I probably got the emotional short end of the stick. Seriously. If you look at it objectively you’d see it too. A trained professional would see it. A monkey in a shit-slinging contest would see it. This is key. It’s critical. Why? For lots of reasons. It’s not saying I’m all-perfect. Hardly. It’s saying that in matters of the heart I take the word ‘love’ very seriously. It’s saying that I take people for their word very seriously. You’d be hard pressed to say, I think, that you didn’t want people to trust you when you said something that you meant it. So think about that for a moment and then put in perspective when you think about how many times you said you loved me and that I was your friend. Then think about how we broke up.

…yeeeeaaaah….

Now, to think after all that you could simply walk right in and assume some kind of ‘good friend’ status means you deserve to be put on your ass. I fucking trusted you with the best gift I could have ever given you. I believed you for your word. So why should I believe you now? Why should I trust you now? Do you at least see that, in weighing in the above paragraphs how I would naturally have my defenses up? That I would be suspect of your motives? That I would still be angry? Distrustful? Even an animal cowers or recoils in fear from a gentle touch because its been hurt badly before. If you can’t see that then you haven’t evolved enough for me. It means you’re not being honest you’re instead just putting a damage-control spin on things so you can sleep at night. If you can’t begin with an apology of the most sincerest kind for breaking someone’s fucking heart when they trusted you for your word, or if you have to amend your apology with wording that deflects accepting your responsibility for your actions onto me like it’s somehow entirely my fault you did what you did…if you confuse calm demeanor with cold indifference to the level of emotions involved in a healing process…then we have nothing to discuss and you would probably do better with just fucking off instead of re-opening my wounds like a monkey with a drywall saw.

You are responsible for your words. Your promises. Your manipulations. Your actions. If you cannot accept this and apologize for where you abused your trust and be genuine about it, then go the fuck away. Seriously.

However…

If you can turn over your rocks unafraid, if you can peel back the layers within you regardless how much it hurts or makes you weep, then we can go forward. It means you can think in terms of spirituality and personal growth and these are the types of people I want in my life and in my monkeysphere. It means you have the emotional maturity and ability to sincerely put yourself in someone else’s shoes and feel what they went through. If you don’t fit into this, hey, that’s fine. You do what you got to do. You just can’t expect me to take you seriously or accept you as a human being if you don’t ask greater questions of yourself and your existence in the world you’ve created around you. If you’re unable to have any kind of deeper empathy for those you claim to care so much about.

Yes, I’m serious.

If you’re just looking to relieve your conscience I can’t help you and I won’t help you. I’m done with being used for other people’s gains. If you think we can pretend nothing happened then again, you just need to have your ass put down. It’s just down right insulting. The way it breaks down is like this: You, as an ex, will fall into one of three categories within my life– Friend. Acquaintance. Nothing. Where you fall will depend on you and if your actions match the words coming out of your mouth. If you find your hackles standing at this point, thinking you’re doing all the work and getting all huffy, then I tell you now: you’re in the nothing category. Anything we want and want badly enough comes from hard fucking work. Those that came bearing the white flag and fulfilled the requirements I listed above found me not as some petulant boy/god passing judgment upon them for sins of some kind. They found someone that missed them too, was hurt by their actions as well as his own, and from taking our time, open and honest dialogue, and both people willing to work their absolute hardest for something they both really wanted it has blossomed into a beautimous thing. A true bond in every sense of the word. Ask China. Ask Micah. Ask Jennifer. It can be done.

So before you go here ask yourself: what do you want and are you willing to do the work to get it? Because if you’re not, then that tells me you don’t take me that seriously and sorry but I don’t take half-assed effort seriously.

Ask my students.

IF You haven’t gotten over your ex (or whomever or whatever ‘title’ they have/had), then it makes sense that you’re not ready for me, let alone anyone. Oh, and if your friends have been telling you something, like, I don’t know, ‘praise white Jesus you’re no longer with that asshole!’ maybe that’s telling you something and you should probably fucking listen. I mean just fucking think about it: If you’re still hung up on someone that cheated on you, or stole from you, or lied to you, or was a lazy bum that mooched off of you, or fucked your best friend, or screamed at you, or was disrespectful to you, or didn’t support you in the things that mattered for you, or wasn’t there for you in your times of need, or was jealous when you succeeded, or thought the excuse ‘she meant nothing to me’ made things ok and justifiable, or didn’t want you to associate with your friends and family, or made you feel worthless, or made you feel like nothing more than a piece of shit on the bottom of their shoe to be wiped off in pure disgust, who drank too much or did to many drugs and put their particular vices above all else even you, or, god forbid, beat you…trust me, it’s bad enough being with someone who’s hung up on someone else. It’s worse if they’re mooning and feeling melancholy and fucking missing a complete piece of shit.

And to be honest, if you miss someone that was that universally bad to you that you ignore the person right in front of you who treats you the exact opposite they did?

Then stay the fuck away from me on all levels. If you miss a piece of shit that used and abused you so much then you’re just as fucked up as they are and you deserve not only each other but the universal pain loop you seem to want to be in. Get counseling. Get a restraining order too. I’ll see you both on C.O.P.S. I’m sure.

I’m purposely limiting the playing field to keep out those that just aren’t looking for the same thing I am and thus limiting the amount of drama and heartache that comes from trying to make them fit what I’m looking for. As for setting my standards too high, that’s just ludicrous.

I won’t steal from you.
I won’t cheat on you.
I won’t beat you.
I won’t scream at you.
I’ve got my shit together.

And if that isn’t enough to make you forget about a complete piece of shit, then really, you two deserve one another.

Just leave me the fuck out of it. Please.

But wait…you thought this just applied to women? If you did, well, I guess that’s what you get for assuming and not taking what I’ve said I’ve learned and believed me for my word.

IF you’re someone that feels the constant need to cut me down to make yourself feel better…keep walking. I’m sorry that your esteem is so shitty that that’s what you feel you need to do in order to raise it to a level where you can face yourself in a mirror. Again, your progression will no longer come at my expense.

IF you feel you have to compete with me. You always have to one up me. Get that extra squeeze on my hand when we shake. You hide your insecurity about me in ‘zingers’ that are followed by the quick ‘I’m just kidding’ disclaimer. To you I have to say: I’m flattered that you feel threatened by me, but such actions only serve to do the opposite of what you’re shooting for. You’re only going to make me look better and reveal the depths of your low esteem and envy. I don’t need this kind of poison in my life, really. I don’t want anything you have and if it’s something you’re losing chances are your actions are pushing it away from you anyways. Think about it.

IF I shake your hand and give you a hug it means I like you and respect you and admire you. If I hear you’ve been talking shit about me then I ask you: what’s to like, respect, and admire then? I don’t do frenemies. And it’s more than I’ll simply stop shaking your hand and what not. It’s more about I’ll simply look at you with a raised eyebrow and wonder what the fuck you want with me and why you’re trolling around me again after your actions revealed so much about you? Oh yeah…I’ll find out. I always do…

IF you’ve got no room for personal growth beyond your own little box then chances are we’re just not going to have a lot to talk about. I don’t care about the material possessions you have. I don’t care who you’re fucking. I choke when there’s too much testosterone in a room to be quite honest.

IF you think it’s cool to say you know me, that this somehow is a great and grand thing, and that this knowing of me is only for the purpose of saying you know me and that it somehow scores you cool points…the listen real good…and trust me when I say this:

I.
Am.
Not.
All.
That.

Seriously, this stuns me each time it happens, and it does happen, and it’s sad. Funny, but sad. No good can come from this for either of us. And trust me when I say no one beyond any given one-block radius knows who I am let alone cares. Nine out of ten times the people around here care more about who I’m fucking then who I am as a man. And I just hate two-faced sycophants anyway.

Seriously.

IF in general (meaning male or female) you’re a flake and you embrace this flakiness, then you cannot be surprised when I never take you seriously. Ever. See: Actions vs. words. Instead, expect me to put more distance between us, as you’ll be viewed as simply for entertainment purposes only. I won’t ask you for anything because, well, you’re a flake and proud of it. I won’t entrust you with much for the same reasons. Remember: if you don’t take yourself seriously then don’t be surprised when no one else will either.

IF in general (meaning male or female) you prefer to self-diagnose yourself with some kind of mental ailment and then don’t seek treatment of some kind then why should I not treat you like the danger you are to yourself and potentially others? For God’s sake think about it. If you like to say you’re crazy, homicidal, suicidal, bi-polar, or whatever then why would I turn my back on you? Seriously. You’re saying you’re a threat to people and to yourself if left unmedicated by trained professional. It means I am, in no way, going to allow you to get too close to me. Not because I respect you but because I don’t trust what you’ll do if you snap. Fear is not respect. Learn that. And if you haven’t been diagnosed by a doctor and you came to some conclusion from reading webmd.com or some such shit, then seriously, either find the real reason you can’t socialize with other people properly or seek a real MD to get help. I know a counseling program that pays on a sliding scale that I’m sure is a good start.

IF in general (meaning male or female) you’re a ‘fair weather’ friend, meaning I only hear from you when you’re down and out, or single, or when the drama levels are high, or when you need something from me that you’re not getting some place else…then you and I are in for some problems. You see, I am a supportive friend…to those that support themselves. If you’re not doing anything to better yourself, then really, back in the day there was something we did with broken records. We threw them out. Seriously, if you’re such a drama queen (or king) that you weren’t hugged enough as a child so you’re looking to press my good nature buttons to get that fix? Time to cut the junkie off.

I am not your emotional tampon.

And seriously, if you can only call me when you need something from me, and not just emotional support, and you can’t talk to me or hang with me when things are good then that’s just using me. And if you can’t see that you’re using me then I can at least show you something you can see and can’t miss:

The door.

Get your fix elsewhere.

IF you can’t support me in my causes, my efforts, my times of great joys and great heartbreaks…if you have problems expressing yourself be it pride or condolences to me, if you can’t feel the joy I feel when I’m excited about a personal triumph and can’t express to me in terms of such…if you feel things like jealousy, envy, or indifference to my triumphs and tragedies then you’ll find yourself on the curb too. There are those that watch the game from the bench and those that have the drive to beg to be put in the game. Which are you? Because once you determine what your role is, it makes it a hell of a lot easier for me to see you for what you are and categorize you in your proper place.

And if you can’t see past your own world, your own goals, and your own desires to even acknowledge someone else’s with genuine pleasure? Well that my friend is called ‘selfish’ and whereas it has its role and place such are not with me.

What does this all mean?

It means that over the past four months I’ve learned to see. See people for what they are. See through their fronts and representatives and see their true agendas. Weigh if their actions are matching their words. Seeing what they really want from me. How they really feel about me. And simply put: if you’re against what’s best for me, then it is what it is and that means you’re poisonous to me and I simply won’t have that kind of energy dragging me down in my life because it’s hard enough as it is to get to the top in any kind of sense of the word.

Period.

I’m simply done with the nonsense. I’m not playing the same games anymore. For those that already know me I’m not the same person you knew. I’m better. For those that don’t know me, you’ll never get passed the door because I’m going to see how much trouble you are and will simply not allow that into my world. I know what I want for me and my life and I’m working the hardest I think I ever have in trying to achieve it, meaning I’m done with the fucking around and the fucking games. I will have more respect for myself than others have shown me in the past.

And there are a relative few that I’ve allowed in my life that we share a bond. A bond that we’ve both uniquely worked upon. A bond that is sewn of love and respect that comes from hard work and the understanding, the deep, deep fucking understanding that you would rather cut yourself than be part of that other person’s drama. Respecting them as a person. Respecting them as your friend. It is these people that, if I go months without hearing from them, it’s acceptable. Why? Because how often I hear from these soul mates is not measured in time. It has been measured in a value of esteem and acceptance in the purest form of that word. It is security. It is recognized as the special, once in a lifetime gift that it is. With my new philosophical LASIK vision I’ve learned that there are few that have this with me, and there are those that are arrogant enough to feel we share such a bond but the cold reality is: we probably don’t. And this is based off when actions match our words and that’s key. That’s not to say we can’t share a bond maybe. It’s simply to say…look deep at it and ask yourself again. I’ll bet if you’re really honest you’ll surprise yourself when you realize that I’m right.

Oh, and by the way, the culling process has already begun.

Weeding. Filing. Shredding. Talks will happen. Others are just simply written off as beyond repair. Actions will be weighed against words and decisions will be made accordingly and we move forward from that.

For some it is the Harvest and for others it is the Holocaust.

But the question at that point is: what do you do next?

And please, just so you know, this is not some sort of mad rush game to garner my acceptance, validation, or approval. If that’s what you think then you miss the point. It’s a matter of looking at things at their rawest form and simply accepting them, not as good and not as bad, but as they are.

And if you want more than that…then it’s time to roll up your sleeves and get your hands dirty, isn’t it? Because anything worth a damn is worth the hard work it takes to get it.

And you know I’m right.

Which leads me to the very title of this here blog. It’s not about demands or playing people to curry my favor. It’s about esteem and taking care of myself before I can allow myself, trust myself, to take care of someone else in any capacity. And if you’re dragging me down too, by your own actions, then who’s the real selfish one here then? Do not take what I say or do personally. Instead, look deep and hard and see if your actions haven’t earned such a response. I bet they have.

Because I bear very few any real ill will. In fact you serve to inspire me. Inspire me to do better than you. To prove to myself that I can only go up. That I can only get better. If anything it is my hope that, man or woman alike, that some day you see what the power of your word and actions have on the people you say you love or the people you call friend. That you see not only the pleasure you cause but at what price? That you see the pain that you cause when you act carelessly or selfishly and that in that realization you are able to face yourself and change yourself into the human being everyone believed you were to begin with.

I know I have and I am truly thankful.

Play Nice Now…
~T. 112908

I am thankful...for surveys!!! Wait, no i'm not...

1.Do you alway​s wear your seat belt?​
In the first car accident i was ever in i 'tapped' the wind shield with my noggin...and i was wearing my seatbelt. If i hadn't, i'd prolly been on the hood of the car instead...let that be a lesson to you kids...

2. Your best frien​d calls​ your cell phone​. What's their ringtone?
I have my phone set on 'manner mode' because typically i'm in places where either i can't hear a ring anyway or i can't have a song blaring at volume 10 inappropriately. Plus, do i really need any more obvious calls of attention to myself like 'oh look at what i listen to.
'?

3.And when you answe​r,​ you say:
"Go for Papa Palpatine."

4.Do you have some sort of an mp3 playe​r?​
I run Macs, so that'd be the iTunes...

5.How many songs​ does it have?​
I have over a GB of songage...and that's mostly from all the fucking CDs i converted, not downloads...

6.The last movie​ you saw in theat​res:​
Igor on my birthday...i want to own it when it comes out on the DVD...

7.The last movie​ you rente​d:​
I don't do rentals anymore. I blame this on being single. Hm. I really should get back into it then.

8.Are you a heavy​ sleep​er?​
I think i weigh the same whether i'm sleeping or not...

9.Does it snow where​ you live?​
Hah! What is this 'snow' that you speak of...?

10.Do you find accen​ts attra​ctive​?​
I am a sucker for any accent. Even the Bronx...

11.How often​ do you eat fast food?​
Not as much as i used to...although i'm sure the damage is done...

12.Have you ever been on the news?​
No, but i'm sure it's coming...

13.Do you own any desig​ner purse​s?​
I don't own designer anything...although i am one, I think even technically since i do the cowboy hats i'm a fashion designer...

Neat!

14.Name of the radio​ stati​on you liste​n to most:​
WWOZ, WWNO, and WTUL...hands down all three the best my city offers...and all on the web now too!

15.Are there​ windo​ws in your room?​
Yes, with a lovely view...of a fence. Yay fence.

16.Last state​ you visit​ed other​ than your own?
The pat answer would be "Chaos" or "Insanity" but i'll go with Mississippi during Gustav...which, now that i think of it, would also fall into the "chaos" and "insanity" categories...

17.Have you ever cooke​d dinne​r for anyon​e but yours​elf?​
I have cooked for girlfriends...and that's about it.


18.Do you/ Did you play sport​s in high schoo​l?​
I ran track and was pretty good at it...

19.Your curre​nt myspa​ce song:​
I've got a multi-player that no one listens to but me. You should accept that no one really listens to your either. It just is.


20.If you'​ve had a bad day, who do you immed​iatel​y call?​
No one. I deal.


21.Do you wear fake eyela​shes?​
Would it make me look pretty? Would Captain Carl like me then?

22.Shoul​d you be doing​ somet​hing bette​r right​ now?
Who says i'm not? You'd be surprised at what i'm capable of doing...

23.Are you organ​ized?​
I appear frantic and disheveled but i'm told i look pretty while doing it so that must count for something...

24.Do you enjoy​ sleep​ing in?
No...i have too much to do...

25.Who is the last perso​n you staye​d the night​ with?​
Ms. Copas when she came to visit and prevented me from educating the hotel neighbors on manners and etiquette...

26.Ever been in a talen​t show?​
An art show. I won. I was seven.

27.How many pierc​ings are in your ears?​
two in each...

28.Do you eat break​fast?​
typically either a banana protein shake or a peanut butter and honey protein bar...mmmmMMMMM...in the city of New Orleans, i'm a food anomaly...

29.Do you hate your cell phone​?​
It does what i ask it to do...so it is good. That'll do phone...that'll do...

30.Do you have a lot of pictu​res in your room?​
Yes because they last longer...

31.Do you showe​r daily​?​
Yes, because i'm told when stink lines radiate from you they can cause eye injuries to those around you...

32.The numbe​r one place​ you go with your best frien​ds:​
If i'm with my friends it doesn't matter because we always have fun regardless where we go...

I’m really getting tired of people blaming things that can’t defend themselves. It’s avoidance of the truth. It’s avoidance of blame. It’s always ‘the Gods’ fault. It’s always ‘the man’s’ fault. It’s always ‘this place’s’ fault. It seems to be everyone and everything’s fault but yours and really…that’s fucking chickenshit.

It’s not the fault of “God” or whomever because, really, if you think you’re so damn special that you attract the special, daily attention of God…then you need to check yourself before you wreck yourself with that ego, champ. Hell, even I’M not that self-centered. God’s got better things that He ignores let alone waste time on any one particular person, me, you, or anyone else.

It’s not “The Man” either. If you believe that there’s some mythical ‘man’ out to get you then quite frankly you have your tin foil hat on inside out. Shiny side goes facing out, not facing in. And while you’re at it you’re late on your Bat Boy stories and fill-in-the-blank monster sightings for The Weekly World News.

But really, what I’m tired of is people blaming my city for their misfortunes. And not just my city but when you think about it any city. I’m tired with people thinking if you simply move away to another city that city will somehow be magically better and your fortunes will improve because of it. I’m tired of people putting unrealistic expectations on my own city and when they move here they’re disappointed. Pop quiz assholes, what’s the common theme of both of those scenarios?

It’s the people. THEY have control of themselves. Not the city. The city is just fucking buildings. The governments that run them are no better or worse, no more corrupt than anywhere else. Crime exists everywhere you go, so you can’t blame that. So does natural disaster, so try again champ. Again, stop blaming things that are incapable of defending themselves and try looking real hard at your own life choices.

Oh, and the lame ass excuse of “well, I know people that have left and have done so much better than when they were here.” That’s not the city’s fault, sparky. That’s a person being smart and responsible. News flash: if you’re trying to make your fame and fortune in a market that doesn’t support your particular career choice, whose fault is that? A city that doesn’t cater to your particular interest or you for trying to force a round peg into a square hole? That’s right sports fan: it’s you. A city doesn’t care. A city can’t make you choose what you decide to do for a living. Humans are the adaptable ones with the ability of free will. Not a building. Not a job market. Mystery solved: that’s why that person you know has done well outside of the city. They made a conscious choice and took responsibility for themselves and their own happiness.

A city didn’t fuck up your credit rating. A city didn’t force you to go on a bender. A city didn’t flunk you out of college. A city didn’t fire you from a job because you came in late too many times (see: bender). A city’s not responsible for your delusions that a minimum wage job at best is going to have you rolling in Benjamins.

For the slow ones of the crowd: it’s called getting your shit together. It’s called taking responsibility for yourself and stop blaming others for your poor life decisions. It’s called working hard. It’s called not giving up when the going gets tough. It’s called the dream might change along the way. It’s called waking up and being fucking realistic.

I’m a fair example that the city can give back to someone, to nurture someone, who actively strives to have their shit together. Sure there’s room for lots of improvement but there’s few that would say I’m not doing well with what I’ve been given. There’s even fewer I’d suspect that would say I’m not busting my ass to do so. Busting my ass to get my shit together and keep it together.

And that's the key.

You not having your shit together? That's not the city. The city is a universal constant. It will always be here. My success? The city didn’t just fucking give me that. In fact, no one ever really gives you anything. However, if you’re the dumb mother fucker who’s trying to ice skate up hill, how’s that the city’s fault for your bad choices?

See the difference?

You see, I love walking into any local dive bar here and just listen to the gutter punks rant. Hell I love listening to them rant outside of clubs as they talk of train hopping and strum their out of tune guitars and beg for money to ‘feed their dog’. The goth and industrial kids pissing and moaning about a petty and jealous scene that certainly they would never talk smack about. I’m talking about the punks, the bartenders, the strippers, musicians, DJs, artists, photographers, and all stops in between and they share the same things oddly enough: destructive vices and the inability to accept any kind of personal responsibility*.

Oh, and the jewel in the crown: their support group is people worse off than they are.

The irony is that these people are arguably some of the most creative people I’ve ever seen. Hands down. Yet they will RARELY have their shit together. Perpetual autistic children. Brilliant, but always distracted by a shiny object (read: shot, beer, sex, or drug of choice), and then rendered to drooling on themselves. Self-destructive behaviour that really, can we expect anyone that lives in a bar for the glory praised upon them by…what? Other people who don't have their shit together? God kings and queens in a gutter world. You factor in their insecurities, their fragile egos, the ones that weren't hugged enough, the ones that never really were challenged because when they were they folded like a fucking deck chair. Anytime they're challenged to grow outside of themselves, to mature, that being responsible for themselves and their actions doesn't mean wearing a tie and working for this phantom 'man' that they rail against like Catholic boys mocking the existence of phantom God. Blame someone who can defend themselves.

Oh, wait, they won't. Because they have no one to blame but themselves and we see what happens when they have to look at themselves in the mirror. Because when you blame something that can defend itself it’ll tell you the truth.

So all these street prophets with their pamphlets and fliers made at Kinko's telling me they're really free and I’m not?

All these talents that wallow in their own crapulence and the adoration of other bar flies or Net wizards?

All the people that think Karma is a divine punishment system, when its nothing like the 10 commandments and, is in fact, NOTHING like a punishment system?

The people that think they're Buddhist yet do nothing to better themselves or help their fellow man or woman except to achieve their own wants and needs at their ‘friends’ and ‘lovers’ expense?

These sorely insecure, low esteem having urchins...please tell me you're not really surprised that they behave the way they do? That they’ll fuck you over at every turn? That they fuck themselves over and self destruct at every turn? They can’t help themselves because they won’t help themselves. It’s easier to bitch about everything else but themselves.

That's not the city. That's them.

And speaking of personal choice it’s also up to us to look upon anyone who spouts off blaming everything else (even the mystic female ‘life’ and ‘luck’) and call shenanigans on them.

And that's what I'm in the process of doing in my life. Weeding out those that are negative and would selfishly hold me back and surrounding myself with those that understand the meaning of love, friendship, and support.

It’s sad. Most are better than this. But mark my words: these type of people will drag you down with them. They will drown you. When you least expect it some will even use you to get to shore. And you’ll never see it because it’s easier to be blind than to see. Only your fears hold you back. Holding you back from achieving what you really want. Holding you back from letting go of the things that really are holding you back.

That’s why they say ‘the truth shall set you free.’

And for what it’s worth: it’s hard. Even for me. Not that I’m a god or a self-appointed, presumptuous idol or something. I’m just saying: I’m human. I’ve been (and in some cases still am) in the same position around these types of people. And it’s hard to face the truth. It’s hard to accept blame. It’s hard to let go of things that we’re comfortable with, even if it’s things that are poisonous to us. It’s hard even for me.

So don't you dare blame New Orleans. It's not New Orleans. Everyone hears about how L.A. or NYC will chew you up and spit you out. Well we don't have their kind of money for opportunity so it takes an even tougher, smarter, more creative person to live in New Orleans. You might be one of these people. But not if you surround yourself with arguably the shitiest support group imaginable. Not if you keep blaming everything and everyone but the one that’s actually calling all the shots.

And that's YOU not the city.

In the end, it's you who you're responsible for (unless you’re a parent of some kind but that should be a given). You are the center of your own universe. Allow only who you want to land on your soul and leave a crop circle. But as the god of your own universe, in the end, you have no one to blame, not even them, but you for your own bad decisions. You can't blame them. Especially if you know who they are and the type that they are. It's like being surprised that your dog barks when you knew ahead of time that, well, it's a dog. And dogs bark. That's simply what they do.

My city is not the city that care forgot. It’s just the city that doesn’t care if you like it or not.

And neither do I.

Sors ventus temerarus mother fucker.


* This isn’t meant as a broad stroke statement. There are quite a few exceptions to this rule and they know who they are.

Play Nice Now…
~T. 112308

...don't answer that...

Ok…we all know (well, all ten of you that read this) that when I go out…‘things’ sometimes happen.

Well, over time, things have even happened…to my car. Is it because I’m a weirdness magnet? Perhaps. Is it the vanity plate that says ‘mutant’?

Mystery solved.

So here I share with you…stories that have happened to me because of said license plate.

Enjoy.

In the Beginning
When I first got the little beast I went out to my friend’s comic shop, the late, great Crescent City Comics, and was upstairs shooting the breeze with Les, Kirby, and Al. Not soon afterwards another friend, Kap, comes strolling in with his lunch and blurts out:

“Say, did you guys see? Some assclown’s got a license plate that says ‘mutant’! So you know, naturally, he’s got to be here!”

And everyone starts laughing, even the people inside shopping. Until I meekly raise my hand and tell them, well, that’s my car actually.

Dead silence.

“You’re serious? You’re fucking serious?? That’s YOUR car?” Kap exclaims. I nod and agree. “I thought it belonged to some X-Fag. I didn’t know it was yours. That changes everything. Except that you’re still an assclown.”

How to go from Mr. Big Man to Three Inches High in 2 Minutes
Once upon a time there was a girl I was trying very hard to impress. We’d been hitting it off already, but ever the over-achiever when it comes to women, I have to go the extra mile. You know, that part when you’re speaking what’s on your mind but you’ve gone past the point when you should’ve just shut up? Yeah…

So we’re walking out the bar to the little beast and I coolly point to her the license plate that I thought she’d smile and be all impressed and I’d get little popping hearts.

“You know, it was cooler when you didn’t point it out.” She replied.

Pppppsssshhhhhhhh…pop goes my ego…

Take a Picture, It’ll Last Longer
So I had picked up my brother from work and we’re shooting the typical geek breeze while waiting at a stoplight when suddenly there’s a bright flash. Bright enough that my brother and I both stop talking and my brother leans out the window slightly and says: “Hm. I don’t see any clouds…must be heat lightning.”

And we continue to talk, when suddenly there’s a flash again. I look up in my rearview mirror and see a guy and a girl in a mini van behind me. The girl is driving and she’s just beside herself in glee, laughing, squealing I’d guess from the looks of her…and holding a digital camera. While I’m watching her in utter disbelief, she leans out and takes another picture of the back of my car. I slowly turn around to look at them from out my window…and she waves at me…and takes another picture!

Light turns green, and V8 please don’t fail me now…

Parking Lot Shenanigans…Pt. 1
So I’m leaving a craft store with some quick art supplies when I walk up to my car in the parking lot. Standing next to it, putting her child in the shopping cart seat a woman is looking at my license plate. I smile at her as I open the trunk to put said supplies in when I hear her voice from behind me.

“So…what does it mean?”

“What does what mean? Like the meaning of life?”

“No…” she very bitchly replies. “The meaning of your license plate.”

I look at the license plate, look at her, and look at her child chewing on its own foot.

“You know, there’s not enough brain cells between the three of us to have this conversation.”

So What’s Your Super Power?
So I’m sitting in my office grading some papers when one of the guys from the IT dept. pokes his head in with a big smile on his face.

“Man, a vendor just came in and was asking us which one of us drove the mustang with the ‘mutant’ license plate? We told him it wasn’t us; it was a teacher that worked here. He brought up a good point though: What’s your super power?”

“I am Sarcastro. My powers are sarcasm and nigh invulnerability. I’m a member of the Mystery Men. We meet in a back booth at the local IHOP.”

Mike begins laughing.

“Ah, Tedd…! I think your super power is you’re just a funny guy.”

And my secret remains safe for another day…

Hey You! You in the Car!
So sitting at a stoplight a guy in a Cadillac pulls along side of me and toots his horn. I turn and look over to not only see this older guy holding a squirming Chihuahua.

“Man!” he yells “I saw your car a couple of blocks back and I just had to tell you that your license plate is real neat!”

“Thank you.” I smile.

To which he then, no shit, holds up his Chihuahua up to me…and it pees. All over everything. The guy starts cursing. Horns start honking.

V8…don’t fail me now.

Parking Lot Shenanigans…Pt. 2
Remember the girl I was trying to impress? One evening I’m parking the car to meet her at a bar after she gets off of work. I had to park a little farther away than normal, at a lot that really isn’t a lot per se, and as I’m walking out of the lot a guy pulls up along side of me.

“Hey guy, ‘mutant’ huh?”

I smile, and reply: “Yeah.”

“Like in the X-men and stuff. That’s funny.”

I smile again, but at this point I’m getting nervous because, really, this guy is still cruising along side of me at 3mph talking to me about my license plate.

“So, you have like super powers and a sidekick I bet.”

“Yes, in fact I’m going to meet her now and she’s more partner than sidekick.”

“Ah.” He replies. “So you wouldn’t be interested in letting me suck your dick first, would you?”

Cue record scratching.

I stop, turn and look at him as he’s stopped in his car, leaning on his window and smiling.

“Thanks…but no.”

“Seriously…I bet I suck dick better than she can.”

At this point what else could I do but just keep walking away while he’s yelling, yes yelling, all the things he’d like to do to me in graphic detail.

Never have the sounds of squealing tires away from me sounded so good…

Parking Lot Shenanigans…Pt. 3
So I’m walking to my car to get some art supplies when I notice the newly appointed Chancellor of the college talking on his cell phone while smoking a cigarette. As I’m walking back, he hangs up his phone and calls me over.

“Excuse me, son. I see by your tag you work here.” He shakes my hand and smiles. “What dept. do you work in?”

“I actually run the visual communications department, Mr. Chancellor.”

“Really??” He responds in a surprised tone. “That’s like an art dept, isn’t it? I’ve heard about it. I didn’t realize I was set up in the same building as it though.”

“Yes,” I reply. “You should come by a class sometime and see the student’s work. They’d like that.”

“I just might, young man. So I have to ask you: Why do you have ‘mutant’ as your license plate?”

I kind of stand there, short sleeves so my tattoo sleeve is in plain view, long hair with stripe blowing in the nice breeze, and of course, dressed all in black.

“Uhm, well, if you can’t tell, it’s because I’m a just a little different from most people.”

He starts laughing.

“You’re alright son…you’re alright.”

I didn’t have the heart to tell him that I’ve been alive as long as he’s been working within the collegiate education system.

What Were You Thinking, Son?
So over the Summer I’m down in the Quarter trying to find a parking spot so I can head over to the Boondock to visit my friend in town, Tink. While driving behind a police officer on Royal Street I notice they have the barricades up even though it’s 9 at night. However, some guys move the barricade and the cop rolls by. They wave me through so I pass on by too. This happens for two more barricades before the cop pulls over. I slowly pass by and he’s glaring at me. I no sooner pass by that he hits the lights and tells me to pull over, which I do. After summoning another officer who proceeds to go through my car (I guess they had just cause or something) he proceeds to explain to me why he was citing me. The street was closed and I was going around the barricades so I was getting cited. He looks at me and asks what was I thinking. I told him about the guys moving the barricades. I even point down the street…to where the barricades are back up. Put two and two together and it was just drunk people moving the barricades. I’m such an idiot.

So while I’m signing the ticket, I ask him that I was complying to their requests, so out of curiosity, why was a second officer summoned to go through my car (and find nothing by the way)?

“Well,” he replied “You were driving erratically behind me.”

“Ah.” I reply, as he’s tearing off my copy and explaining my court date.

“Oh, by the way, that’s a clever license plate you got there. From the comic books or the movie?”

“Uhm…actually, neither. More like the general meaning of the name to be different from the norm.”

“Ah.” He replies. “That’s clever too. I just figured you to be a comic book fan.”

Parking Lot Shenanigans…Pt. 4
So I went to see the opera Don Giovanni this past Friday. It was awesome. However, as I’m leaving I get back to my car to see three campus police officers standing around my car. This can’t be good.

“Is something wrong, officers?” I ask.

“Actually, no.” One replies. “You the owner of this car?”

“Yes…I know I’m not a student or faculty member but I didn’t know where to park for the Opera.”

“Oh, that’s no problem. We figured it was someone here for the performance, we were just curious who had the funny license plate.”

“We were trying to think which of these old farts would be driving a beat up car with this license plate.” To which they all start laughing.

Suffice to say, I’m very nervous and trying to laugh along with them as I’m unlocking my door.

“Well…sorry to disappoint.” I reply.

“Oh not at all.” Another officer replies. “With a license plate like that and looking like you do I guess you gotta have a sense of humor.”

…yeah, I guess I do.

Gee.

Thanks.

Play Nice Now…
~ T. 11.17.08

The definitive photography book about the destruction of the Lower 9th Ward in New Orleans by Hurricane Katrina and it's slow re-birth documented over 3 years time. It also happens that the author/photographer is my good friend, Stybbi!

At the very least, it's free to take a look...
http://www.blurb.com/bookstore/invited/300146/6ac4aba3de9d38ef21c9b50c356085ec

PS: I was asked to personally inspect the advance copy for print quality. Seriously...it looks like any book I'd pick up at major bookstore.

enjoy and be sure to send him some love!

I Used to Think I Was Hardcore…but Now I am Humbled and Weeping.

WARNING: For those of a sensitive nature, for those who cannot stand to view me in a light past what they think I am, and for those that simply do NOT want their day ruined then do not read further. This is, arguably, the most painful blog I’ve ever written…and the funny thing is: it won’t be the last, simply the subject will change.

I put this off because Halloween was coming, and really, no one needed to have their big holiday plans brought down for something I can handle on my own.

So either close this window now, or grab your box of tissue. Sam, you in particular, are specifically forbidden to read this. You just have to trust me that I know what I’m doing. Please.

102408
Today was like any day, really except I had to wake up at the ungodly hour of 6:00am in order to drop my dog off at the Vet. She needed to be clipped and had a bizarre sore on her tail and a small growth of some kind on a front paw. I have to keep her coat short because it’s so thick that it keeps fleas and dirt from leaving her. Seriously it’s next to impossible to get to her skin with medicated shampoo let alone get her coat soaked fully. As for the sore on her tail, that’s been there before and last time it healed up nicely with antibiotics. The growths are similar to some she had on her shoulder, which were non-cancerous so these should be ok too. Regardless, I had to bring her in early because the Vet was slammed because he and his wife close up early on Fridays. So there I was, squinting my eyes to adjust to the light of the bathroom as I composed myself. When I came out, there was Panda. Laying. Watching the door. Waiting for me to come out. Her tail of doom making this insanely loud sound as it wagged and slammed into the baseboard repeatedly.

This is our morning routine, really. I kneel and pet her and then she follows into the bedroom and hops back up on the bed. This time, however, she’s perky because she sees me grab her harness and lead which, as any dog will tell you: that means I’m going somewhere and I’m going somewhere with the best friend I have: YOU. It’s always a pain to put the lead on her because she gets so excited that she’s going somewhere. Once on her I’m always surprised how much pull and torque a 30lb dog has. Or maybe I’m just a wimp. So we pile into the car, she curls up in her spot in the back where she can lay down but watch me, occasionally poking her head between the seats to lick me and get some lovies.

Michael has been our Vet for years. Seriously, he remembers me when I was 18. He and his wife, Jeanne, love Panda and have commented on how they wish a lot of dogs had her disposition. She’ll let you do anything as long as you love on her. It’s funny. In humans that would be a behavior that would require counseling. Michael and I walk to the back where he weighs her and confirms what I suspect. With the growth on her paw I’m going to have to buy a sweatshirt that will cover her foot, tape the end off, all so she can’t lick her stitches. It has to be loose enough too so as not to make her body itch, but thick enough that she can’t chew through. My poor dog. She’s falling apart and the things I put her through I guess. We walk to the back to where the kennels are and I put her in, pet her, and assure her that daddy will be back soon. Michael pets her too. Two other dogs are carrying on because they want to play or simply escape. While Michael and I stand in the front talking I can hear Panda barking in the back and I want to go get her but by this time Jeanne has come in and the two have to go to work. It’s 7:30am and they open for 8 plus I have to get back home and get ready for work myself and drop my brother off at his job as well.

Since I’m WAY ahead of my normal schedule I’m just kind fooling around as I get ready. Looking over the two piles that are supposed to be Halloween costumes, one of which may get vetoed in favor of an old one that I love. I dunno, the jury is still out on it. In any case, at 9:16am my phone vibrates and I answer it. It’s my Vet and he asks if I’ve left for work yet or if I’m there already. I tell him no, that I’m about to leave but I have to drop my brother off of work first. Since he’s a fan of the comic, and he’s done this before, I’m thinking he’s about to ask if I can swing a couple of copies of the book by his office or make sure I bring some with me when I pick up Panda later.

There’s been a crisis with Pandora he replies. They couldn’t resuscitate her. I’m sorry buddy. We just spent a half hour trying to bring her back. She’s gone.

And I collapsed to my knees, mouth agape, eyes running instantly. What happened??

You just need to come by as soon as you can, he says. Take your time, he assures me, but as soon as you possibly can. We’ll talk when you get here.

I didn’t hang up my phone so much as it just slid out my hand to the floor. I just knelt there. Numb. She can’t be gone. I know she’s old and all but she’s healthy. She’s had many clean bills of health. She just can’t be…gone. Not my baby. Not my girl. Not my little moose.

Time didn’t stop however. I wasn’t kneeling for forever. I stood up, wiped my eyes and nose, sucked it up, and took my brother into work. I obeyed speed limits to make the drive to the office. I’m sure I fucked up a band on the transmission throwing it into park so quickly. I took the steps in one bound and the office was empty and still kind of dark. I paced back and forth in front of the desk, hopping up and down like a child that had to pee badly. Finally, Michael and Jeanne came out from the back, faces red and swollen, and they quietly escorted me to the back operating room.

And all that was there was an over-sized orange terry towel covering…something. My hands hadn’t left my face and I cautiously took two steps into the room. He pulled the towel back to reveal my girl’s sweet face and I buckled to my knees again. I could feel the backs of my hands were sopping wet. The badass, comic book rock star college professor all in black…was on his knees weeping uncontrollably. Sobbing without a sound.

In a haze I saw Jeanne out of the corner of my eye set a box of tissues next to Panda. Michael was explaining how everything was going smoothly. The surgery went well. He was half way through grooming her when suddenly…she stopped breathing. He tried to resuscitate her but she just wouldn’t come around. They tried massaging her back. Believe me, I know, Michael tried everything. He said to take as much time as I needed, but when I was done, he needed to talk to me before I left.

And as the door quietly clicked behind them I howled.

Loud enough for reverb in the small and dark room. And like a penitent man I crawled on my knees towards a cold metal table.

I frantically started pleading for her to wake up. I begged for forgiveness. I was so sorry. This was my fault somehow, I know as it always is. Another of my classic screw-ups. I insisted she didn’t have to go. She’s not supposed to go. Everyone else leaves me, but she’s never does. She’s never does. In fact, when everyone else has left she’s always been the one there. Unconditionally. Accepting. Loving. Her actions reflected her true feelings of the word love consistently and more than any human I think I’ve ever known (save for possibly one) who even dared to say they loved me. She meant it. Not some half-assed, selfish and self-serving way.

But she wouldn’t wake up. Her eyes weren’t golden brown anymore. Her doom tail didn’t thump. Her ears weren’t folding back. She was pointed in my direction, but she wasn’t looking at me. It was through me. And I felt hollow.

I began frantically rubbing my hands, building a charge, calling for my three protectors to attend to me. Rubbing, rubbing, rubbing, rubbing, channeling, she’s going to be ok, fuck it if the hands hurt you suck it up and you do it. You attend to me now when I fucking need you most. Attend to me.

And I touched her.

And she was warm.

And she didn’t wake up.

And she didn’t tell me anything.

And I could see the places on her fur where my tears were wetting her face. I tried to brush them away as I pet her. I thought I saw her move. I thought I saw her chest give a heave. Your eyes play tricks on you. I tried to wipe away the spots where my mucus was hitting her. I pet her and begged like I hadn’t begged since my father was diagnosed terminal. Please. Don’t take my best friend. Don’t take the one who’s never left me. Ever.

And I don’t know how much time passed. I know my sentences weren’t even complete sentences anymore. The begging. The pleading. The apologies. All of it running together. All of it for naught.

As I knelt there, petting her head, kissing her face, something was whispering to say goodbye. That it was time to go. And more pleas followed. Please don’t make me. I don’t want to go. I don’t want her to go. But she left already. She left forty-minutes before I got there. What do I do, muppet? What do I do now without you?

I screamed but no sound came out, simply a hoarse, raspy sound.

I hung my head and felt her paw against me. But the voice was insistent.

It’s time to go.

But there was no one in the room. But I heard the voice distinctly as if there were, and it wasn’t in a voice I recognize. It wasn’t female. It wasn’t male. It was gentle, but firm and insistent. It was time to say goodbye and time to go.

So I stood and looked down on her. I leaned over and kissed her one more time, my face wetting hers, and whispered in her ear to watch over me. To come find me. I miss her already.

And I gently took the corners of the orange towel, covered her slowly, and walked out of the room backwards, closing the door gently and resting a snot covered palm on it. I remember rubbing my jacket sleeve on it to wipe it away. Miss Jeanne took me by the shoulders and her and Michael led me into his office where I sat at his desk. I remember not using any tissues on purpose. I didn’t deserve to. My girl was gone. I should look a mess. However, when you’re sitting in a dark office and your head is in your hands and you can see mucus running down and pooling on your thighs, for God’s sake man, pull yourself together and I promptly began going through an entire packet of Kleenex.

Michael softly explained to me he didn’t know what happened. He couldn’t explain it satisfactorily. There was no vomiting. She just stopped breathing and wouldn’t wake up. I remember him saying something about the Vegas Nerve. I remember him saying it could’ve been a stroke. I remember him saying it could have been an aortal aneurism. Sure she was healthy. He wouldn’t have put her under for the surgery if she wasn’t. I know. I’ve seen him do that with my mother’s dogs before. But he’d do it again if it meant a chance to save another dog. That it was times like this he wants to retire. That even when it happens and owner doesn’t care it’s heartbreaking. But when it’s someone like me, it’s worse. He wanted to run away but he knows he can’t. I remember thinking that, truthfully, they’re better people than I am to be able to deal with this kind of pain so often. Maybe I could over time, but I doubt it. It takes a special kind of person to do what they do and that’s not where my strengths lie. I remember Jeanne hugging me and petting my head as I wept into her smock. In a daze I remember Michael handed me information on a crematorial service. Urns. Prices. Phone numbers. That whatever I decided had to be done today and had to be done before four o’clock. Not because they closed but because of state laws and dead animals. Someone named Ellen was mentioned. Jeanie offered to call for me, but I insisted. She was mine and I was going to take care of her to the end. That was a promise I made to her repeatedly during our snuggling times. During evacuations. When she wasn’t’ feeling good. When she was scared and agitated. When she hung her head and rested it against my chest for ear rubbies. Daddy will always take care of you. Daddy was going to keep his promise.

I sat in my car and punched the roof repeatedly and rapidly for all the good that did. And with that, I drove home, laid her harness on my shelf, popped open my laptop, looked at the site, made my choices, made my phone call, made my arrangements. Ellen was pleasant. I guessed at Panda’s weight. I didn’t care what breed she was. She mine and that’s all that mattered to me so I never bothered to find out. I never bothered to speculate. I don’t know when she was born, I just know she was 12 years old. I didn’t even care how much that was in human years. Ellen explained to me when things would be completed. She would bring everything to Michael’s office as opposed to being shipped to my house. I should be able to pick things up by Tuesday. I paid with my credit card and like that…we were done.

I sat, staring at the screen. A picture of Panda’s smiling face as I rubbed her belly looking back at me. I have so few pictures of her. I don’t know why. I even found one of her biting at my feet while we played in the yard. I looked at my feet, expecting her to be there, pushing at me with her nose, flipping my hand literally on top of her head, mugging me for her lovies. A tail that was a force of nature knocking everything over behind her but she didn’t care. She smiled. She got lovies. Lovies from me.

Suck it up. Be a trooper. You’ve got work to do.

Though the work was automatic. Dealing with the fallout of two students cheating in class. Somehow wrote two course syllabi for classes that don’t exist yet. It usually takes me a week to do one. Fielding phone calls. Answering registration questions. Breaking down repeatedly because daddy’s girl would not be there when I got home. Waiting at the window. Tripping me as I came in. Forcing her way into the bedroom. Getting up in her spot on the bed for belly loving and kisses. Following my every step. Following me outside to potty and to play. Wanting me to chase her in the yard.

And now…she’s reduced to a blog. A handful of pictures. Twelve years of memories. A dog tag shaped in a red heart. A two-inch ‘travel urn’. A burial tin. An ash-filled crystal pendant.

What do I now my wookie? My muppet. My little moose. My girl. With your big feet. With your floppy ears. With your doom and destructive tail. My reason for coming home. What do I do now? I used to grieve to you and you made it all better. I can’t grieve to you about you, can I? Who makes things all better now? Who tells me they didn’t deserve me if they threw me away? Who puts a cold nose on me when the job drives me crazy? Who licks me when I’m trying to lift kettlebells? Who keeps my feet warm and doesn’t want to share the bed? Who barks when I leave? Who barks when I come home? Who follows my every step? Who sits with ears folded back when she’s gotten into something she shouldn’t have, like her namesake? Who comes running and headbutts the back of my knee because I’ve opened the peanut butter jar? Who snores loudly at the foot of my bed while I sit and draw or write? Who sighs heavily while I work on lecture or grade papers and projects and won’t turn the light out and go to bed? Who’s putting their face in mine while I’m surfing on the laptop, not taking no for an answer, because according to her it was time for snugglies? Who looks up at me while laying on the clothes I just set on the bed while I get ready to go out for the evening? Who’s there in a dark room grabbing at me with a paw when I come home at four or five in the morning? Who’s going to be draped over my chest and neck when I wake up in the morning, slyly looking at me sideways as the tail slowly begins to whip? Who’s going to flip and flop on my bed because they’re just so goddamn happy that daddy’s finally home?

Goddamn it who is there, waiting for me to come out of the bathroom in the early mornings, making an awful racket as her tail slams repeatedly against a baseboard??

Not today. Not this evening. Not the next morning. No preparation. You were just gone in two hours.

And my breathing is raw and stuttered as I type this.

So it’s not open to discussion. I merely post this to serve as explanation more than anything. I now know I could never offer anyone condolences or advice to help in your own pain because really I’ve heard so many in so short of time already…and the pain is still there. Even though unintentional, it’s the advice and offers that remind me that the pain is still there. Like moving a fresh wound and the stitches shift and tear just enough to remind you that they’re still there, the wound is still fresh, before they settle again. I know I gave her a better life than the one she had on the streets. I know it’ll pass in time. I know there was nothing I could’ve done different. I know death is inevitable. I know she went quickly. I know she was loved. I know I can’t quit. I know in time I may be talking to Dre about something only someone with my caliber she’d trust to do. So I know what it’s like to go through this and now know there can’t possibly be words that exist in any order that help in any way. I apologize for my past presumptuous behavior and arrogance thinking I could possibly console any of you. I know nothing. Instead know that I will weep with you because I know that much.

Right now, I miss my best friend…

110308
I can’t feel my mojo and haven’t for more than a week now. I thought the energy from Halloween would help, but it didn’t. Seems everyone was just…off in their energies that weekend. Instead I find myself unable to see on my blindsides both figuratively and magickally. It’s like walking in big, heavy, awkward shoes. Sure I can do it, but I can’t do it well and it’s only a matter of time before I fall and bust my ass. My game is noticeably off by those that know me all to well they just can’t put their finger on it.

Well there you go. Now you know.

Fortunately I’m good at the game face.

But I still look down at the floor, expecting to see her nose resting between her paws and big, amber eyes looking up at me. Nose prints on a glass door because she ran into it trying to greet me. I wake up at night because I don’t feel her against the back of my knees. No head butting my dangling hand on the side of my chair while I work. No mad barking when I come home. Just…nothing. Odd how that nothing matches what I feel…a numb nothing towards everything and everyone. Enough numbness to remind me of what should be there but isn’t anymore. Enough numbness to make me just not give enough of a shit to defend myself with my normal zealous effort against the shenanigans and nonsense that is my personal life these days. I just don’t give a fuck and am so numb I don’t even feel the blows let alone care if I do.

Fortunately most that know or suspect haven’t brought it up to me knowing I would lose my famous calm demeanor if they did.

Hug yours. Love yours. Whatever it or who it might be. Not only will they be gone but always when you’re not ready for it. You want to help me? Do it by not re-opening my wounds. Do it by loving yours as you never had before. And don’t take it personally when your words can’t fix something that’s just going to be forever broken…

http://flickr.com/photos/99793289@N00/sets/72157608627849421/

...but you'd be surprised how many girlfriends will still tell you "no". Maybe i shouldn't act up and ask while in the middle of Wal-Mart...i bet that's it.

Breast-Fed Baby May Mean Better Behaved Child

By Serena Gordon
HealthDay Reporter – 1 hr 18 mins ago

Mothers are seen breastfeeding their babies during a worldwide breastfeeding AP – Mothers are seen breastfeeding their babies during a worldwide breastfeeding event in Nicosia, Cyprus, …

WEDNESDAY, Oct. 29 (HealthDay News) -- Add yet another potential benefit to breast-feeding: Fewer behavioral problems in young children.

Parents of youngsters who were breast-fed as infants were less likely to report that their child had a behavior problem or psychiatric illness during the first five years of life, a new study found.

And the likelihood of mental health issues decreased in proportion to the duration of breast-feeding, meaning that a child who had been breast-fed for a year was less likely to have behavior problems than a child who had been breast-fed for just two months.

"This is an early finding, but it suggests that breast-feeding during infancy could have an effect on behavior during childhood," said the study's lead author, Dr. Katherine Hobbs Knutson, a resident in the department of psychiatry at Massachusetts General Hospital in Boston.

She was to present the findings Wednesday at the American Public Health Association's annual meeting, in San Diego.

Previous research has shown that breast milk offers numerous benefits for babies and that breast-feeding can benefit both mother and infant. Babies who are breast-fed are less likely to suffer from ear infections, diarrhea, pneumonia, wheezing, and bacterial and viral illnesses, according to the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP). Research has also linked breast-feeding with a reduced risk of obesity, diabetes, sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS) and certain cancers, according to the AAP.

For mothers, breast-feeding helps the uterus quickly return to its pre-pregnancy shape and helps burn additional calories, which can help get rid of extra pregnancy weight, the AAP reports. Additionally, breast-feeding is believed to help nurture the mother-child bond.

The new study reviewed more than 100,000 interviews of parents and guardians of children between the ages of 10 months and 18 years who participated in the National Survey of Children's Health. Parents were asked about breast-feeding and about their child's behavior and mental health.

Examples of questions included: Are you currently concerned a lot, a little or not at all about how your child behaves? How he/she is learning pre-school or school skills? Has a doctor or health professional ever told you that your child has behavioral or conduct problems?

Parents of children who were breast-fed were 15 percent less likely to be concerned about their child's behavior, compared to formula-fed infants. And the breast-fed children were 37 percent less likely to have a medically diagnosed behavioral or conduct problem, according to the study.

And, Knutson said, the effect of breast-feeding appeared to be cumulative, with those who were breast-fed for a longer duration even less likely to have behavior problems.

She also said the study found "a correlation between breast-feeding and cognitive development."

"These findings are certainly intriguing," said Dr. Debra Bogen, a pediatrician in the division of general academic pediatrics at the Children's Hospital of Pittsburgh.

The study adds to the "overwhelming evidence that women should, if they can, offer breast milk to their babies," she added.

Both Bogen and Knutson said the nutritional composition of breast milk might have an effect on the way a baby's brain develops, and that better nutrition could explain the behavioral differences. But both experts felt it was too soon to know for sure the exact cause of the potentially protective effect.

1. Pick a word that starts with the first letter of your name:
Trinitrophenylmethylnitramine...it's a type of explosive...

2. Without stating names, say something to three people:
a. i get it. i was just a fuck. you could've just said. thanks for wasting my time.

b. god, i miss you my muppet...

c.. you suck. mark my words: yours is coming.


4. How many times have you been to the ER?
too many times. i always do the bedside vigil...never the patient...

5. What's something that always gives you the chills?
the power that you're supplying...cuz it's electrifying...

6. What were you doing on Christmas 2006?
watching my girlfriend make and wrap presents, not suspecting that she'd been dating someone else for about two months and hadn't told me...neat, huh?


7. Have you ever broken somebody's heart?
i've been told i have. only two of them i believe it to be true. the rest were lying because they know the meaning of the word 'guilt' or 'pain' or 'revenge' more than 'love'...

8. Are your eyes the same color as your mom's or dad's?
actually my left eye is a different color from my right...go figure...

9. When a friend walks out of your life,do you go after them or let them go?
never keep someone where they don't want to stay. Trust me: there's someone waiting outside the door to take their place for a chance at something someone else threw away...

10. How many months until your birthday?
September. You do the math. I don't feel like it right now...

11. Does it bother you when your friends bring up your past mistakes?
only when they're trying to embarrass me in front of people...not cool...

12. Name the first person you can think of that you know, that has a tattoo?
Me...chuh...

13. If somebody liked you right now, what do you think is a cool way to let you know?
a severed thumb they found on e-bay...before they passed out from blood loss...

14. Is there a guy who knows everything or almost everything about you?
no...even i'm starting to lose track of all my secrets anyway...

15. Do you believe in love at first sight?
hells to the no...

16. What are you doing tomorrow?
let's see...according to the day planner i'm working...putting together paperwork for the expulsion hearing on friday...trying to finish parts on a costume that i'm just not into this year...and picking up ashes...you?

17. Who was the last person to hold your hand?
Miss Jeanie on Friday...

18.Who was the last person you threw out of your life?
Holleyann Nasky. Funny story, but then when it comes to the girls in my life, which ones aren't?

19. What kind of pants are you wearing?
Black "Rockstar" jeans from Lipservice. I LOVE these pants...

20. Are you shy?
painfully so...people mistake it for me trying to 'act cool'...

21. In the past week have you felt sad?
this has been the worst week ever...

22. Do you have plans for this weekend?
yeah...i think it's called 'halloween'. Seriously, i'm trying to get stoked about it...

23. Have you ever had your heart broken?
more like the death star exploding...

24. Has anyone ever told you they love you?
yes. in a romantic sense, i believe only one truly meant it...in the friendship sense, all of 'em mean it. funny how kind of fucked up that is...

25. Do you think you're wasting your time on the person you like?
trust me when i say: i'm done wasting my time on the wrong people. period. The Third Precept is fucking awesome.


26. Where was your default picture taken?
in my back yard, a year ago...

27. Something you do a lot?
lately, weep...normally, work...

28. Did you have fun yeste​rday?​​​
not at all...just going through the motions...nothing to see here...

29. Have any memories you'd like to forget?
more like people i regret investing so much of my time in...

30. Who did you last lay in bed with?​​​
Pandora on Thursday...

31. Do you want a big or a small​ weddi​ng?​​​
how about we find the girl first...

32. Do you have any feeli​ngs for anyon​e right​ now?
only my dog...

33. Would​ you ever tatto​o a boy'​s/​ girl'​s name on you?
funny story...ask me sometime...

34. Why did you cry the last time you did?
wait for the blog...

35. Did you wake up happy​ today​ ?
no...numb...

36. Is there​ a night​ you would​ like to put on repea​t,​ and live it forev​er?​
If i knew what I know now, yes, Thursday night...

37. Is there​ someo​ne you'​d like to fix thing​s with?​
why waste the energy? i tried and got poked in the fucking eye with the olive branch. their actions are pretty clear so let this be the final gift to them...

38. Do you think​ you can last in a relat​ionsh​ip for 6 month​s?
just because i haven't in the past three years doesn't mean it's not possible for me to...

39. If you were upset​ , who' s the first​ girl you would​ go to?
no one...i typically try to handle my own...if i had to pick one, it'd be China...hell, it has been before...fortunately, i have plenty that love me that i am blessed with choices and all of 'em good...

40. Have you ever been in a perfect relationship?
if we've established that i'm single, then that kind of answers that, no?

41. What are you liste​ning to?
the marvelous misadventures of flapjack...i LOVE this show...

42. Would​ you get marri​ed if you could​ right​ now?
well if we found the girl and she were willing to run to Vegas with me and find a Tupac impersonator who had powers of officiating, then sure why not....

43. Where​ did you last sleep​ other​ than your house​ ?
i always sleep at home...why, where do you sleep you trollop?

44. Who was the last perso​n you cried​ in front​ of?
Dr. Michael and his wife, Ms. Jeanie...

45. Are you a forgi​ving perso​n?​
yes, i'm just not a forgetty person...

46. Who was the last perso​n you ate with?​
Me?

47. Are you the same perso​n you were at the begin​ing of 2008?​
i'd like to think no, that i'm better...what do you think?